Buzzed
by BuffyAngel68
Summary: Shawn accepts a seemingly innocent Friday night invitation, only to be confronted with something - and someone - he never expected...
1. Chapter 1

Title: Buzzed

Author: BuffyAngel68

Rating: FRT for now (implications) FRAO later on.

Summary: Lassiter gets a late-night visit... Lassie/ ? at least for now. A post-ep drabble for 'Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing' that's leading into a full story.

Disclaimer: Don't own, not making funds. Just having fun with things I've gleaned from little moments in the series...

PROLOGUE:

At first, Lassiter jumped and tensed when the warm, nude body slipped into bed behind him, but his fears were instantly eased by the voice that drifted into his ear.

"Relax, sweetheart. It's just me."

"Sorry, sir."

"No problem. I don't surprise you like this very often. You're not used to it. Besides, your hyper-awareness is what's kept you alive this long. I bless it. You feeling okay?"

"Yes, sir."

"Carlton."

"I am, really." Lassiter insisted, turning in his lover's arms to face him.

"Okay. I see it, now."

"I'm glad. Why are you here, sir? As you said, you don't do things this way."

"I had a proposition I wanted to make."

"Oh Lord... you think it's time, don't you?"

"We talked about this when they first showed up. You know exactly how Spencer does what he does."

"I know." Lassiter admitted reluctantly. "His powers of observation are like nothing I've ever seen. If we could just convince him to give up that absurd psychic routine... we just might be able to shape and mold him into one of the best detectives this state has ever seen. And Guster..."

"Yeah. He wants to dominate Shawn so bad he can taste it."

"But he doesn't realize that's what he wants. He just thinks if he slaps the shit out of him once, it might do him some good."

His lover sobered.

"Spencer could easily end up under the control of someone who'd do just that. I won't let it happen."

"I know that too. So we're bringing them in?" Carlton asked, his brow furrowing slightly. He'd been facing this prospect for months and, despite the immense potential he saw beneath Shawn Spencer's ranting and mockery, he wasn't at all sure he wanted anyone intruding on a relationship he treasured and that kept him sane.

"Can't let either of them go on like they are much longer. Besides, getting them started will protect them from that rat bastard..."

Lassiter made a soft, soothing noise and stroked one hand down his lover's face.

"Henry did the best he could. Raising a gifted kid is difficult on the best of days. He just didn't have the patience or the skill to give Shawn what he needed."

"Yeah... he's still a rat bastard for not realizing that and pulling in somebody who *did*."

"We'll fix it, sir. *You'll* fix it."

"Absolutely. You and I will discuss a plan of action in the morning. Now... let's talk about your reckless behavior on this case. Not to mention the fact that you were willing to just give up on everything you've worked so hard for."

Lassiter swallowed hard and smiled warily, knowing full well that he was about to be thoroughly punished. He wouldn't be genuinely hurt, however, and also knew he deserved it and would be better for it when the next few hours had passed. Still, he felt a mild protest was warranted and couldn't get him in more trouble than he was already in.

"Um... oh shit?"

"At the very least."

TBC... 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: You know I don't own any of them and I'm not making fundage. (Like Shawn could spare it, right? lol) Things on this show would be different if I was in the God-chair... in so many ways.

TWO WEEKS LATER: A LOCAL BAR

Seated on a stool next to his dom in the small, empty room, Lassiter alternately tapped his feet on the rail, turned his glass around and around and drummed his fingers on the wooden surface in front of him. Finally the other man reached out and briefly gripped his hands, stilling them. Lassiter grinned ruefully.

"Sorry."

"No problem. Just relax. He'll be here. They both will."

"You can't be sure. The kid is like dandelion fluff. The slightest provocation and he goes flying off. Not to mention that if he gets even a whiff of the truth..."

"He thinks we're meeting for drinks. Nothing was said that could possibly scare him off."

"At least until he shows up..."

His dom swung around and gripped Lassiter's jaw firmly.

"Enough."

"Understood. I'm sorry, sir. I know how good this will be for Spencer... but I also know how perceptive he is. Your plan is a good one, I'm not saying it isn't..."

"Carlton, stop. You agreed the other night that we're doing the right thing, here. That dandelion analogy is a really good one to describe Shawn, actually. He's drifting, letting the wind decide what he does and where he goes. The problem is that eventually that so-called business of his will be gone and I'm afraid he'll just float away on the next breeze. He's too damn smart and has too rare a gift... I won't let him spend the rest of his life that way."

Swallowing, bracing himself for the angry response that might be coming, Lassiter took a deep breath and then spoke anyway, making sure he held his dom's gaze intently so he could gauge instantly how much trouble he was in.

"I'm sure his father's said that to himself a million times over the last few years."

The other man glared, but swiftly turned the dark expression down into the glass of soda that sat in front of him. His eventual response held more frustration than genuine anger.

"That man is clueless. He pushes, forces, drags, yells, blackmails... and keeps doing it even when he knows it isn't working. That kind of heavy-handed tactic just makes a sensitive person like Shawn run for his life. If Henry had ever taken the time to show the boy *why*... ever given him a legitimate reason for growing up and taking his future in his own hands... maybe, just maybe, Shawn's life would be on track right now."

"You're a cop. You know that kind of attitude is drilled into you until you can't hear, see or think anything else. Dig in, hold on, never give up until the goal is achieved, no matter what the sacrifice."

"But we aren't supposed to bring it home to our families. The reality of police training doesn't absolve Henry. Not even close. Sometime soon he and I are going to have a very serious talk... and I guarantee he won't be happy when it's over. Depending on how insistent he is on trying to defend his actions, he might not be conscious, either."

"New focus, sir. They just pulled up."

"You know what to do." The other stated, sliding off the stool and onto his feet. Lassiter followed suit, nodding minutely.

"I do. Sir..."

"Later, okay? It's for the best, you'll see."

"Okay."

Lassiter headed for the front door, unlocking and opening it. His dom turned and leaned against the bar, slowing his breathing and preparing for the mental and emotional battle he was about to wage.

"Lookin' good, Lassie. Whoa... somebody forgot to invite the customers. And the staff."

"Don't be so suspicious, Shawn." Gus admonished. "Trust somebody, for once, can't you?"

Hearing a familiar clicking sound from behind him, Shawn whipped around to look, then turned a scowl on Gus.

"Well, I might be more inclined to show a little faith, Gus, if Lassie hadn't just locked the door. Don't know about you, but that doesn't exactly make me wanna call for a group hug."

"Locked... but... he..."

"Easy, guys. Nobody's out to hurt you."

Now Shawn whirled to face the bar and what he saw left him speechless for a moment. Gus spoke into the gap.

"Officer McNab..."

"At the station. Here... well, it depends, I guess."

Buzz crooked his finger and Lassiter strode to his side. After a quick embrace and kiss, he pointed at the floor and his sub sank immediately to his knees, hands behind his back. This display took Shawn from not speaking to his jaw actually hanging slightly open. Gus, despite being just as stunned, slowly reached over and, without looking, closed his best friend's mouth. Buzz chuckled quietly and continued. "See, to him... I'm sir. Only in private, though. Our business is nobody else's. You're not mine, so you can call me Buzz. For now, anyway. Never do know how things might change."

Shawn slowly backed off a step, eyes subtly roaming the room searching for another exit. Gus held his ground, but his expression said he was becoming fearful and confused. Buzz released an inaudible sigh. This was what he'd been expecting. Now he had to decide on the better way to counter Shawn's retreat: show the young man the power of a dom and the truth of his own nature, or gentle and soothe him like a spooked horse. Shawn finally finding his voice interrupted Buzz's contemplations and forced a quick resolution.

"Riiiight. Cute, Lassie... really cute. I show any sign of taking the hook, the line *or* the sinker and you start laughing and pointing. By tomorrow it's all over SBPD how you punked me. I don't *think* so..." he declared boldly, smirking as he spun around and moved to release the lock. When he found no dead-bolt or any other visible means of opening the door, he paused, cursed softly and began tugging on the handle. "Gus! Gus, will you get over here and help me figure this out?"

"There's no big mystery, Shawn. Carlton has the key and he'll hold onto it until this is over one way or another."

The younger man gradually shifted back to face Buzz, who had now straightened away from the bar and taken one step to close the gap between them.

"Over as in I scream like a horror movie queen and you let me go... or over like they find my bloody, mangled corpse in the parking lot tomorrow morning?"

"Neither. First, the place is thoroughly soundproofed and second, I'd never hurt you."

"No, you'd just lure me into a trap. Look, this was a clever stunt, ha ha, but now that it's done *you* need to open the door so *I* can go home and apply for the restraining order that'll keep you away from me for the next six months."

"It's not a stunt."

"Right. I'm supposed to believe Lassiter's turned into his nickname for real. Sit, stay roll over... him? Not in a million years. Now... I like a practical joke as much as the next guy, but this one was old before it started. Lassie! Hey! Get up, damn it. Toss me the key."

Carlton didn't move, didn't respond. The expression on his perpetual tormentor's face gradually began to shift from irritation to fear and he pressed back against the door.

"Ooookay... zero results for gentle and soothing. Power and truth it is..." Buzz grunted almost inaudibly. In a flash he was across the room and inches from Shawn's face. Reaching out, he gripped the side of young man's head just above his right ear.

"What the... get off1 Let go! Don't..."

"Shawn Spencer. Be quiet. Look at me. Nowhere else... only at me."

Instantly, Shawn's struggles ceased and he fell silent, his gaze locked into Buzz's. The dom could see that, internally at least, the other was fighting hard not to simply obey the commands he'd been given, but after a minute or two, even that resistance faded. "Good... that's good. I know you don't think anybody's seen it... but I'm aware you read people as well as you read crime scenes. Tell me what you see in my eyes, Shawn."

All he got was a minute shake of the head. "Yes. It's okay to speak now."

"Y-you're serious about everything... and you... you really won't hurt me."

"That's right. What else?"

"God... you care about me. Is that what all this... no. Can't be, it's impossible..."

"Why? Why is that impossible?"

"No... I can't say... can't tell anybody that! Gus? Where the hell are you?"

Buzz suppressed the mile wide grin that wanted to cover his face when Shawn confirmed another part of his theory. Feeling as if things were truly getting out of control, he'd called out for the man McNab felt sure was meant to be Shawn's dom. When Gus approached a moment later, but hesitated at getting too close, Buzz nodded at him.

"Go on. Words, touch... whatever you think he needs."

"Shawn... calm down, okay? You gotta be cool. Maybe we'll get outta here if you just talk to him..."

"I can't, Gus! I can't and you *know* why!"

"Yeah... yeah, I know. Time to get rid of that stupidity, man. I keep tellin' you it's been stuck in your craw for way too long already."

"No..."

Buzz lightened his voice and his hold a bit, but intensified his gaze.

"You can, Shawn. One more time: why is it impossible?"

"I... because nobody gives a damn about me!"

"He does." McNab countered, nodding slightly toward Gus.

"Uh-uh. No. Just like the rest of the world, he either wants me on his plan and his schedule, doing things his way... or he wants me gone. Hell, why not, right? He'd never miss work again, never be in danger. He'd have his normal, sane, perfectly boring little life back."

Buzz felt a touch of his frustration slip through and show on his face, but he swiftly covered with a light smile and offered a chance at responding to the third member of the little group.

"Gus?"

"Urrrgh! I mean... you... you are *so* smart, Shawn, but sometimes... you can really be an idiot!"

Now Buzz couldn't suppress a trace of smile.

"Look at him, Shawn. Look. Read him like you just did me. Go on..."

Gradually, Shawn complied and what he found made him gasp softly.

"Crap... I... Gus, I didn't..."

"Forget it. But now that you've wised up, don't you ever say that again. You hear me? Never again. Damn, I mean... is that all you think of me? That I'm like your *dad*?

"No, buddy. Nobody could be that unpleasant."

"Darth Vader. Look what he did to Luke."

"Yeah, but at least he changed sides at the end. My dad'll never give up the dark side. He enjoys it too much..."

"Shawn."

The younger man turned back to Buzz, at first grinning easily then quickly sobering. "It's okay. No problem. I just wanted your attention back here before the movie discussion got too involved. So... are you ready to listen, now?"

TBC...  



	3. Chapter 3

Buzzed 2/?

Shaking his head, Shawn tried to back off again, only remembering he couldn't when the door handle bit into his back. His yelp finally brought Gus close enough to touch his friend's arm, after which he shot a fierce glare at Buzz.

"Give him some space. Shawn's willin' to listen... just don't crowd him."

"No. No, I'm not, Gus. Okay, so he gives a crap and he isn't a serial killer. That doesn't mean I wanna know the details of why Lassie is still kneeling over there and staring at the floor like he lost a contact..."

"You don't get details. The reasons are between him and me. All you have to know is that I asked him to do it, he wants to please me and I haven't released him yet."

"Released... released? Okay... unless they're *invisible*, I don't see steel bars, ropes or duct tape and as of five minutes ago he wasn't wearing handcuffs."

"He isn't. For one thing, bondage is only for special occasions, and for another... I'd never let somebody watch unless Carlton requested it."

Shawn's pupils dilated and he began to slide sideways, now convinced that he was in desperate trouble and swiftly needed to find an exit for himself and Gus.

"Right... yeah, I'll just be going out the nearest window now..."

"Shawn, stop. I'm sorry, okay? That wasn't the best moment to tease, I know that. I just couldn't resist."

The younger man grudgingly stopped his escape attempt, but his expression told Buzz he might have lost any ground he'd gained so far.

"Try harder."

"Agreed. Now tell me, honestly, if Gus is right. If I back off a little, will you at least hear me out?"

"Maybe."

"Good enough for now. This could take a while, so let's sit, okay? Step for step. I take one back, you take one forward."

"Depends where you're headed."

"Just to the bar. I won't leave Carlton down much longer and to release him I have to touch him."

After brief consideration, Shawn nodded curtly and the trio made the journey to the other side of the room slowly. Gus stayed close beside his best friend the whole way, still shooting Buzz dark looks. When they reached their destination, Gus pulled Shawn away from where Lassiter knelt, guiding him to a spot three stools down. Buzz grinned, but merely bowed his head for a moment in acknowledgement of the other man's right to do so. Inside, however, he was silently cheering over one more sign that his beliefs about Gus were right.

A minute later, he reached down and stroked the top of Lassiter's head and the detective finally looked up, adoration shining in his eyes. "Up and sit beside me?"

"I can't have my usual place, sir?"

"Sorry, my lap's off limits 'till we get home. Shawn is freaked enough as it is."

"I heard." Lassiter replied softly as he rose and dropped onto a stool. "Not going well, I take it?"

"It'll get better. The kid is trying, finally."

"Gus?"

"Protecting him like a mother grizzly."

"Good sign." Lassiter chuckled.

"Very, very good. If he addresses you directly, with a serious question, go ahead and answer, but sarcasm or the slightest hint of his class-clown act..."

"Ignore and let you handle it. Understood, sir."

"I'm not hitting him with too much more tonight, so this shouldn't take very long. We'll head home soon, so hang in for me."

"Got it."

Buzz kissed his sub lingeringly on the temple, feeling a good deal of his stress and aggravation evaporate when Carlton leaned into the gesture. Turning to face the other pair, he smiled easily.

"I've got three points to make, Shawn. I'm going to ask that you not interrupt until I'm finished each one, unless you really have something vital to ask or say. Deal?"

"Yeah... okay."

"Point one: You're wasting your talent, your potential and your life and I'm drawing a line in the sand. I've watched you play games and act the fool, all so you don't have to take any actual risk. You think your 'I'm an immature idiot' routine is the perfect cover; ensuring that nobody will ever look deeper, realize what you can do and make you stand up and lay claim to your ability. Well you know what? You're busted. And before you say it, yeah, I may sound like your dad, but trust me, I'm light years beyond him. I'm doing this now because it'll make you happier, stronger and more secure. You'll never be broke again, you'll be able to walk into the station and automatically get the respect you deserve... and the biggest reward? You'll be off your so-called father's radar permanently, not because you've finally managed to live up to his ridiculous expectations, but because you've become a better man than he will *ever* be. Your turn."

Shawn gaped for a few seconds then frowned and gradually closed his mouth, by himself this time.

"As far as my dad goes... you have *no* idea what you're talking about. He... yeah, just leave that subject alone. And if you don't mind, my life and how I live it... is my business."

"It was until I realized how fast you're circling the drain. Now it's mine. Second point: Training is non-negotiable. The specifics can be worked out later, but you *will* go through some sort of program. No more learning and reading in private while you protect yourself by showing the world a stupid kid who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Everybody in this room knows better. You're smart and you soak up information like a sponge. Even better, you've proven that you can retain it and use it. That's not something you ignore and deny and you *don't* hide it from the people it could benefit. You're going to get trained, Shawn. Fight, complain, do whatever you think you have to... it's going to happen. Bottom line, no compromise, that's it. Questions or comments?"

This time Shawn's expression darkened and he finally began to show genuine anger instead of feigning it to cover his fear. When he spoke, the quiet tone that emerged made Gus grab his arm, as if fearing he'd soon need to hold his friend back. In the middle of his reply, Shawn slid forward, trying to get to his feet, and Gus allowed that, but maintained the hold on his bicep to be sure he wouldn't go any farther.

"I've spent my life being dictated to and pushed around by a bastard who never understood who I am or what I need. I'm still fighting to get *him* off my back, what the *hell* makes you think I'm crazy enough to saddle myself with somebody *else* who thinks they know what's best for me? Huh? Answer me!" he challenged, his voice gradually rising into a shout. Gus added his other hand to Shawn's shoulder and tightened his grip with both just a little.

Buzz released a slow breath and half-turned to murmur to Lassiter.

"You won't like this, love, but it has to be done. Try your best not to react, alright?"

"I thought you might have to. I've been preparing myself all day."

"I love you and only you."

"You are my rock and my anchor and I am yours alone." Carlton recited calmly in response to the passionate declaration he'd first heard so many months before. "You'd better go before he gets too out of control."

"Mmm. Stay here, no matter what. Only one person can help Shawn now..."

"... and that's Shawn. Good luck."

"Thanks. I may need it."

Buzz was off his stool and back in Shawn's face before the younger man could even think about getting defensive or striking out. A solid hand gripping his chin locked their gazes together and suddenly Shawn was on the thin edge of hyperventilation. "Do you trust me, Gus?"

"I think so." Came the slow careful response.

"The please let him go. He'll come to no harm, I swear it."

Shawn felt the supportive touch of his best friend leave him and began to struggle slightly, but a few quiet words pulled his attention back where Buzz wanted it. "Ah-ah. No more running, little one. No. More. And no talking."

The younger man stilled, his fear-filled eyes riveted to the darker ones of the man who held him captive with no more than his fingers and voice. "Good." Buzz praised, walking backwards two steps into the open space and drawing Shawn with him. "Stay." He added, while he slid back one more pace, creating a bit more room between them. "I'm going to ask you to do something for me. Your mind will scream that you can't, that it isn't right or safe... but I need you to shut that noise out so you can hear your heart. Your heart will tell you the truth, Shawn, but its voice is much more quiet, so you really have to focus. I believe in you... I know you can do this. Ready?"

Shawn nodded once, stiffly, drawing a light smile from Buzz. "Alright. I want you to drop to your knees, Shawn. I know, I know..." he soothed, reaching out with his free hand and running it through soft, dark hair as he watched the battle rage in the young man's face. "... it's getting loud inside here, little one, but you can push through that... you have to try."

Shawn's legs started to buckle, but he immediately locked his knees, frantically trying to keep a solid foundation under him and producing barely audible noises of distress. Buzz responded with compassion and strength. "No... no, Shawn. Give it up... just let it all go. This is right and you won't be hurt. You must be so tired of fighting every minute of every day... bouncing back and forth between craving respect and thinking you don't deserve it. Trust me, trust yourself... and let go."

Inexorably, Shawn began to lose the struggle and, shaking, slid toward the floor. Buzz bent slightly, switching his grip to Shawn's shoulders and supporting him down so he wouldn't fall too quickly and end up with bruised knees or hands. "There... it's okay, little one. Easy... easy. You're okay." he told him, kneeling as well once Shawn was settled. "One more thing and then you can go to sleep, okay? You and Gus will be here until Monday, working and talking with Carlton and me. You can try to get out, run away. Knowing your ingenuity and smarts, if you're determined you'll probably make it... but I really hope you'll decide to stick around. We can help you... take you places and show you things that will make your life so much better... but you have to let us in."

Shawn pulled away, twisting and collapsing into a partial sitting position, his back half turned on Buzz.

"Fat chance... bastard..." he mumbled, desperate to rekindle his righteous anger. Buzz, however, could easily tell that the younger man was moments away from tears.

"Guess I have been tonight, in your eyes at least. It gets better, I promise. Gus?"

At the summons, the other man sped to Shawn's side as if the floor were iced over. Buzz suppressed the wild, triumphant smile that wanted to break out and focused on the business at hand. "That door over behind the bar leads to a small apartment upstairs. It's all set up for the two of you. Take him up and be sure he gets some sleep. You've both got a long two days ahead of you."

The hostile look he received sobered Buzz, but he took it in stride. "Yeah. I hear you. Hopefully tomorrow you'll start to understand. Go on."

Gus tugged Shawn onto his feet and helped him over to and through the door Buzz had indicated. Once he knew they had made it to the top safely, he silently closed the door behind them and locked it. When he felt strong arms slide around his waist, he leaned back into the embrace.

"They'll be fine. You're doing the right thing."

"I know. Now to convince them..."

TBC... 


	4. Chapter 4

Buzzed 3/?

7:30 THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Bending down over the blanket swaddled lump that represented his best friend, Gus shook what he hoped was a shoulder and once more urged the other man to face the world.

"C'mon, get up. Buzz an' Lassiter are here an' they brought breakfast. They got your favorite... one of everything on the menu."

Not even bothering to peek out, Shawn mumbled something brief and unintelligible then lapsed back into silence. "I don't think so, Shawn. Not after what you pulled on me in third grade. Show me you're really under there... then we'll talk."

Finally, Shawn drew the covers off his face and scowled at Gus.

"Don't you ever forget anything? I mean, come *on*..."

"Nobody could forget that, Shawn! Giblets and burned skin and a turkey neck and raw hamburger, all covered in ketchup and laid out on plastic wrap all over your bed... I had nightmares for weeks."

"I had to do a month of kitchen duty for that one, but it was so worth it. Seeing your face when I moaned into the walkie-talkie I hid under the bed... and you pulled that quilt off, thinking I was really sick..."

"Yeah, yeah. Glad I could cheer you up by remindin' you of the horror show you made outta my childhood."

Shawn scowled again as he swung his feet to the floor.

"I did not! Okay, so I played a few pranks, but we had a lot of fun too. Didn't we?"

Gus responded as he always did to the rare flashes of uncertainty Shawn displayed; a sigh and instant backing away from any anger he might be feeling in the moment.

"Yeah, of course we did. I didn't mean it to sound that harsh, Shawn. It's just sometimes..."

"I know. Immature idiot."

"No, he said that's how you act, not who you really are."

"Right... whatever. Are we eating or what?" Shawn replied as he stood, grabbed his shoes and headed out of the room. Gus followed a step or two behind, talking all the while.

"Damn it, Shawn, you do this every time. Somebody tries to help by givin' you constructive criticism an' you only hear what you wanna hear. You gotta quit twistin' what everybody says an' usin' it as an excuse to put yourself down, man..."

He would have continued for several more minutes, or as long as Shawn would let him, but when they emerged back into the large downstairs area, Buzz was waiting only a foot or so from the door. His nearness slightly surprised Gus and dried up his lecture mid-stream. Shawn grinned as he moved past Buzz and muttered his appreciation.

"Thanks. You have no idea what you just saved me from."

"Sounded like good old-fashioned honesty to me."

"So you do know. I'm still grateful."

Though he dearly wanted to snark back at Shawn, Buzz merely shook his head and waved the younger man to a table.

"Come sit down, okay? I hope you're hungry, we brought plenty."

Shawn rounded on Buzz with a suspicious expression.

"What's with the hand of friendship all of a sudden?"

Reminding himself that nothing with this project had been as easy as he might wish, Buzz decided to follow the trail Gus seemed to have already been blazing.

"Last night you were afraid and stubborn. This morning I'm assuming a few hours sleep did some good and giving you the benefit of the doubt. So far."

Shawn smiled, but it was thin and cold. Buzz breathed deeply, knowing he and Carlton still had a lot of work to do. Maintaining his composure by force of will, he repeated his invitation. "C'mon. Cold food is disgusting."

After a long pause, Shawn finally relented and moved to sit at the table where Lassiter was already eating. To his surprise, Buzz claimed a seat at a separate table and gestured Gus over to join him. Briefly, Shawn considered protesting and questioning, but the smell of the food in front of him was too enticing and he surrendered to its call.

The pair ate in silence until both were nearly finished. At that point, Shawn's curiosity grew stronger than his ability to keep his mouth shut. Pushing away the empty Styrofoam container, he folded his arms, frowned lightly and finally confronted Lassiter.

"Okay... so explain. All this... weirdness isn't you."

"It is, actually. And there's nothing weird about it."

"It's not the Lassie I know and love to annoy."

"There's your first problem. You see and hear what I want you to... but you don't know me."

"Really. Educate me, then."

Carlton chuckled, wiped his mouth and leaned back in his chair a bit.

"Not a chance, Shawn. You haven't earned it yet."

"Earned? Suddenly I have to earn what you usually go... hang on, wait just a minute. You mean all that bullshit you sling around really *is bullshit?"

"Some of it. It's a game... a show, just like the one you put on. We're covering different secrets, that's all."

"Me? I'm an open book."

"Written with invisible ink."

"Look..."

"I'm not asking you to give up everything you're hiding, Shawn. As far as that goes, I have earning of my own to do, I know that. Buzz and I... we're only asking for a fair chance to make that happen. You have to trust somebody, sometime."

"Right, 'cause it's worked so well up to now." Shawn growled, turning sideways in his chair. Lassiter studied his profile in silence for a minute or two before deciding to take a risk.

"Maybe you think he's one of your deep dark secrets... but he isn't. Anyone with half a brain and even a trace of empathy can see the truth."

Head bowed, Shawn murmured darkly in response.

"I told Buzz last night, don't go there. You don't know anything about it."

"I know he's a bully... but he didn't start out to be one. When your mother left, he must've been clueless about how to handle a special boy like you, so he chose to push you into handling yourself. Yes, it was a wrong decision, and I'm sure he sees that now, but at the time... someone like him, with a reputation for being strong-willed and always finishing what he started... he probably didn't think he could back down."

"Enough, damn it." Shawn gritted out. "You keep talking and I guarantee you're going over the bar..."

"You know what? I'd be perfectly willing to let you hit me if I thought it would solve anything, but it won't. That's his way... and it's always wrong."

Shawn swiveled back to face Lassiter, his expression suffused with immense anger and his words almost inaudible.

"Shut the hell up."

"I'm immune to death glares and threats. Try again."

"He never hit me! Not once!"

"But he wanted to and you saw it in his eyes every day. His self-control was the only thing that saved you."

Shawn opened his mouth, but no sound came out, so he closed it again then rose and stalked over to the small barred window just to the left of the front door. Lassiter gave him a few moments by himself to process before following him.

"I'm sorry. I'm aware that this process is far from easy. When Buzz first started taking me through it, I hated him... every minute of every day. But when I finally decided to open up and listen, that turned around in an instant. I was angry... blaming the world and everyone in it for not being able to feel... to connect and understand. It turned out that the darkness in my life was mostly a result of my choices and decisions... and only I could make it different."

Lassiter watched Shawn draw and release several shaky, erratic deep breaths, obviously struggling to stay in control, and hoped he'd lose the fight sooner rather than later. Later meant more pain and a longer recovery period. Unfortunately, the younger man's body language eased and he pulled himself together.

"He... he's my father, damn it."

"That doesn't mean you're obligated to be under his thumb and at his beck and call for the rest of your life, Shawn. The problem is that nobody ever told you how to get your ultimate revenge on him."

"Okay." Shawn conceded reluctantly, liking the sound of Lassiter's teaser more than he wanted to admit. "Revenge is nice. Give."

"Become exactly what he's always claimed you could be if you really tried."

Shawn finally turned and stared at the taller man, disbelief written all over his face.

"How the hell is that supposed to be any *kind* of revenge?"

"Because it's the last thing Henry actually wants. I wish you could see him with his friends, other retired cops. Hank? Oh, he's got that weirdo son. Hank? His boy'll never amount to anything. He gets all his laughs around the bar by making fun of you and tossing out the latest story of his kid who can't even walk straight half the time, in spite of all the lessons his upstanding, macho, super-cop dad tried to teach him. Don't you see what you'd get by proving him wrong?"

A trace of a smile touched the corners of Shawn's mouth. He fought it, turning his eyes down, but it would not be denied.

"He'd sink like a stone. Two weeks... they'd stop missing him. Give it a month and nobody'd remember he ever existed"

"Slightly exaggerated... but not far off. You'd have everything, Shawn... all the attention you crave, for all the right reasons."

"All I ever wanted was for somebody to listen... to look at me and only me... and just listen." Shawn murmured, pacing slowly back toward the tables, but pausing halfway there.

"They will, I guarantee it. You take bigger risks than this every damn day, Shawn. Make this small first step... accept what Buzz is offering."

"God... what if I do? What if I say yes?" Shawn asked, desperation creeping into his voice.

"Your life will never be the same... and neither will you."

TBC...  



	5. Chapter 5

Buzzed 4/?

Though he was overjoyed by watching Gus' intense reaction to the pressure Shawn was under, Buzz suppressed the laughter bouncing around inside him, knowing Gus wouldn't understand just yet. Instead, he merely waited for what he knew was coming. When Shawn walked away, anger clear in every line of his body, Gus rose and started to go after his friend, but Buzz laid a gentle hand on the younger man's arm and eased him back into his chair.

"He's okay. Carlton's just opening his eyes to a few... home truths. That's never an easy thing to deal with."

"He better not hurt him..."

"Phsyically? Despite all the threats he's made, he'd never do that. Emotionally... can't be avoided. Not if Shawn's going to survive another six months."

"Survive? I don't know *what* you're talking about. Shawn does fine."

"On your money and your sacrifice of time and your moral support... and everybody else's swiftly fading patience."

"What? How can you... I do it 'cause he's been my best friend since we were little and I love him like he was my own brother!"

"And?"

"And what?"

Buzz fell silent, letting the honest answer, the one Gus would normally die before admitting, form itself in the other man's mind. After a minute or so of staring Buzz down, Gus finally dropped his gaze, picked up his fork and began to play with what remained of his breakfast.

"Not true. It's not true..."

"It is and you need to say it out loud. You can't help him fix one damn thing if *you* can't speak the reality first... and acknowledge it."

"I know... but I can't. It's like... betraying him."

"No." Buzz insisted gently, one hand moving up to squeeze Gus' shoulder firmly. "You know better. Say it, Gus. Say it, believe it in your heart... then you can do something to prevent it."

"He... if I wasn't there for him, Shawn would either be living on the street right now... or he'd have died pulling some ridiculous stunt."

"You know why he does those things."

"To prove to the world that Shawn Spencer is smart, and strong and he can be a hero... and Henry Spencer is inept, irrelevant and doesn't have an ounce of common sense in his whole body."

The near-growl that underlay the second part of Gus' statement took Buzz by surprise, but still engendered a slight grin. This was what he had hoped to hear, just not with that amount of vehemence or passion. For now he had to ensure the focus stayed on Shawn. Dealing with his father would come later, minus the clear wish to see blood that Buzz heard Gus silently advocating.

"I agree on the latter, wholeheartedly, but Shawn will be the one to do it. He *needs* to... but we all have a long road to get him there. What I was hearing... it said you already think Shawn is all those things."

"Smart, yeah... smarter than even he knows. And if he wasn't strong... he never would've survived a childhood with Henry. He wants to be a hero, and he could be... but he has to get that it doesn't mean bein' Superman. He loves the idea of savin' people, but someday he's gonna jump out in front of a gun with his chest stuck out and his hands on his damn hips... and find out bullets don't really bounce off."

Buzz took a deep breath, steeled himself and gave Gus the reply he dearly wished he didn't have to.

"I agree with that too."

Gus, eyes wide, abruptly picked his head up and stared at Buzz, who held up a hand to forestall any interruption. "That's why I'm doing this... why I said what I said to him last night. It hurts and upsets him, makes him angry, I understand that... but if somebody doesn't step in right now that prediction you just made will come true. Maybe it'll take a while... but it will happen."

"He has a gift... a real gift, not this act he puts on. He sees things, puts pieces together that I *never* could. If he..."

"It won't happen, Gus. Not if you're willing to make one more sacrifice."

"Go on."

"No matter how bad it may seem to get, no matter how much you want to rescue him over the next two days... stay out of it until I ask you to intervene. Let him go through the process on his own, find his feet and his balance by himself."

Sensing Buzz might now be open to answering the questions that had plagued him the previous night, Gus pushed away his styrofoam container, sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Explain this... process. Then we'll talk about me being Switzerland."

"What, specifically, would you like to know?"

"You can start with last night... what you did to him and why."

"The usual term is 'taking a sub down'. I always thought that sounded like a wrestling move... too violent for my taste. I prefer to call it 'drawing down." It means helping a sub get into a mental place where they're calm and more responsive to your instructions."

The mildly shocked expression on Gus' face said he recognized the term 'sub' and what it meant, but never thought he'd hear it applied to Shawn.

"But he's not... no way. Not Shawn Spencer."

"What I've seen... says you're wrong. He may be reluctant and uninformed, but Shawn is definitely a born submissive."

"But that would mean... last night you were... no. Uh-uh, Buzz, no way, no how are you doing that."

"Somebody has to. He's been begging and pleading for a strong hand to grab the reins for a couple years, now, Gus, and he's starting to draw attention... from a few good people and some who are so far at the opposite end of the scale you can't even imagine it. I wasn't about to let him unknowingly meet up with one of those and end up damaged."

Gus swallowed hard and Buzz could see him begin to tremble slightly at the thought of Shawn being hurt.

"Damaged. Nobody would...they wouldn't dare..."

"You don't want to hear the horror stories, Gus, believe me. It'd be way too easy for Shawn to get seduced into very dangerous hands... and his body wouldn't get the worst of it. With me in control he'll at least be safe and cared for."

"No..." Gus repeated softly, staring at Shawn, who now seemed to at least be listening to what Lassiter had to tell him.

"Give me another option."

"What?" the younger man responded, his head whipping around to look at Buzz once more.

"I know how much you want to protect him and I respect that, but he's headed downhill fast, not to mention backwards and blindfolded, and it has to stop now. I'm taking his training as a submissive and a man into my hands... unless you have a better idea."

Gus swallowed again, but the shaking had now ceased and, though his voice was faint and uncertain, his expression revealed that a decision making process was well under way and perhaps nearing its end.

"I can't. I mean... that's not... I don't..."

"Gus."

"Yeah. I... you'll show me? Teach me how to... how to be what he needs... what he deserves?"

"Not by myself... but it'll happen. Guaranteed."

"Shawn..." Gus murmured, returning his gaze to his now somber and uncharacteristically silent best friend. "I can't count how many times I've wanted to shake him or dunk his head in cold water... anything to get him to wake up and see that his gift is just that, not some way to con people or a ten ton weight he has to carry around the rest of his life. He actually has saved lives, you know? I've thought once or twice about pushing him to at least *apply* to the academy... making him take what he can do seriously. I always back down 'cause I know he'd either laugh it off or get so mad that I even *suggested* he become a cop that he never talks to me again..."

"I've felt the same way. This is the opportunity we've both waited for. Everything will be better for both of you, I swear it. You just have to say yes."

TBC...  



	6. Chapter 6

Buzzed 5/?

"To what, exactly?"

"Looking after Shawn for the *right* reasons. Yes, he needs you, but the way you've been going at this just won't work anymore. Before long, you're going to burn out and you'll have to walk away to preserve your own life and your health"

"Leaving him wide open to all the bad stuff you were talking about. I won't let that happen. I'll do it. Whatever it means.. I'll do it."

"It's not as easy as just saying it. Up to now you've always had the door open a crack so you could walk away if you had to. Being what Shawn needs means you have to be willing to really take responsibility for him, at least at first. Being his dom would put his health, his happiness and his safety completely in your hands. Is that what you want?"

"Dom... I'd have to... I don't know if I could do what you did last night. I'm not strong, not like that..."

"None of us know how strong we are until we have to be. You think about it, okay? Carlton's going to come talk to you while Shawn and I get to know each other a little better."

"Yeah... okay."

Buzz smiled and strolled over to where Shawn was once again seated at the table with Lassiter. Leaning in, he murmured in his sub's ear and the taller man rose and crossed the room to join Gus. Buzz slowly dropped into the now vacant seat.

"Hi. Looks like you had an interesting conversation."

"Hmmph. You could say that."

"Dollar for your thoughts?"

"Guess inflation's worse than I knew."

"More like I know the value of your brainwaves, my man. C'mon... speak to me."

"God... this is all so... bizarre. Lassie says trust us, trust me... then he starts pushing, saying stuff that pissed me off more than anybody ever has. Makes no sense..."

"Like... what?"

"Same as you were last night, but worse."

"About your dad."

"Don't even, okay? I can't take much more of that shit right now..." Shawn pleaded wearily, head dropping into his hands.

"That's cool. Shit later, purpose-games now."

This brought Shawn's head and his interest back up, as Buzz had hoped it would.

" *What* kinda games?"

"Purpose. It just means there's a secondary intent. While we're having fun, I'll be learning about you at the same time."

"Uh-huh."

"It really will be fun, I swear. I just need to find out a few things, that's all. I'm interested in your boundaries, how far you'll go beyond them... and whether those lines in the sand have to do with morality, emotions or something else. That's my thing, though, at least for now. Your part is just to have a good time."

"Uh-huh."

"Shawn..."

The younger man sighed and allowed a slight grin to touch his lips.

"I know. Incorrigible. Okay, okay. I'm in." he conceded, rising to his feet. Buzz followed suit, leading the way out into the center of the open space.

"Thank you for trusting me. Now, before we start, I need you to kneel for me again, just for a few minutes."

"What? No... I can't. That... it was humiliating. No way..."

"That's not what it was about. This is vital, little one. Absolutely critical."

"Damn it, Buzz..."

"I didn't hurt you, last night, or take advantage of you."

"No, but..."

"And I didn't let anyone or anything else hurt you while you were so vulnerable."

"No."

Buzz quickly drew and released a deep breath and shifted back into his command tone.

"Then draw on that positive experience, have a little faith and do as I've asked."

"Buzz... hell. I don't..."

Buzz reached out and laid a hand on Shawn's head, not to apply downward pressure, but simply to offer comfort and security

"Just let go, Shawn. All the mistrust, the hurt and the lies you were raised on... just drop them for once. I'll give you something so much better to hold on to. Let go..."

With an almost inaudible whimper, and a fleeting expression containing such grief and pain that the dom's heart nearly shattered, Shawn closed his eyes and dropped gradually to his knees. "Thank you. Thank you, little one. Answer my questions honestly. Do you believe that as we go through what I'm about to show you, that you'll be safe?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe that there's at least a possibility that it will benefit you in some way?"

"Yes."

"Okay, now for the really hard one. Can you trust that all information you choose to reveal, as well as anything I inadvertently learn, will stay between you and me and never be used to cause you harm in any way?"

This time the answer took much longer to emerge, but eventually Shawn was able to respond.

"Yes."

"Good man. Up on your feet and we'll get started." Buzz told him, offering his hands. Shawn grudgingly accepted the help. "Okay. Close your eyes again for a second... and picture a dead body on the floor a few feet in front of you."

"Man or woman?"

"Man. He's been bludgeoned and then strangled. The marks are deep and narrow. One hand is clenched shut. Okay, eyes open, Shawn. I've scattered ten things around the room that should help you figure out who, why and how. Your job is to find and interpret the clues."

"I can just..."

"Anytime you're ready."

"How long?" Shawn asked solemnly, dropping to only one knee as he visualized the body on the floor in front of him

"Fourteen, fifteen hours. Half hour either side."

"Right... nearly impossible to get it exact. Even if you get a broken watch or something clich like that... Okay, so rigor's starting to pass. I ease his hand open. What do I find?"

Buzz dug into his pocket, pulled out a small metal disk with an elaborate design and held it out. Rising, Shawn accepted it, studying it intently and thoughtfully, turning it over and over.

"This little hole... must've been attached to a key ring or maybe a chain."

"That all?"

"For now."

Shawn started to put the disk in his pocket, but hesitated.

"I wouldn't steal it. That's not me."

"Not even a question. The trust goes both ways."

Shawn shot Buzz a skeptical glance, but after a moment he nodded, secreted the first clue and moved off to examine the room.

"Am I supposed to be justifying my choices?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Not yet. When you think you have a solution, I'll ask you to explain your reasoning."

"Okay..."

As Shawn wandered away, Buzz claimed a chair and sat back to watch and wait. The process he could see the younger man going through raised his hopes even more. It was the equal, perhaps even superior, to anything he'd observed in the detectives he'd worked around for years. It was something Shawn would clearly not have to be taught. He was slow, careful and deliberate, lifting some things to check them out in more detail then replacing them. Others he held onto once he'd gotten a good look. Buzz found himself fascinated and hard-pressed to tear his gaze away.

Forty minutes later, Shawn returned and placed nine items in a pile on the table. Buzz grinned and waved the other man into a chair.

"Excellent. Really good work, Shawn. Now take a minute, organize the stuff and give me the story."

Shawn smiled thinly, obviously wary.

"You, uh... you said there were ten."

"We'll talk about that after. Tell me what happened to our John Doe."

"Right." Shawn mumbled, his skepticism still clearly leading the way. Finding himself suddenly, unaccountably nervous, he focused on the items in front of him and used the story he'd put together to keep him calm. "Okay. This..." he began, picking up the small metal disk. "... has a Masonic symbol on it. There were three different watches scattered around out there, two busted, one not... but this was the only one that matched up with the disk. Compass and square on the face, glass over the face broken, traces of blood on the cracked pieces. Not the victim's."

"How do you know that?"

Shawn frowned and thought deeply for a few moments before cautiously replying.

"You did say he'd had his head bashed in... and if he had his hands up trying to shield himself the blood spatter could've... no. I don't know why. It's a hunch."

"Acceptable. Go on."

"Three scraps of cloth, all looking like they came from the same piece of clothing. My theory..."

Here Shawn paused, gazing tensely at Buzz to see if he would be censured for using the word. When he received only a slight smile, he returned his gaze to the table and continued. "Yeah, like I was saying. My theory is that they all came from a robe. They used to wear them in ceremonies. Don't know if they still do... but it's a reasonable assumption anyway. This piece of cloth is a little thicker." He said, separating one scrap from the others. "I'm thinking it came from a cuff or the hem... probably the cuff. It's got a few small bloodstains. You didn't mention it, I know, so maybe it doesn't matter... but was he left or right handed?"

"Left."

"There were scratches on his right wrist."

"Yes, there were." Buzz confirmed, fighting valiantly not to praise Shawn again until he'd finished his presentation.

"Mmmm. Yeah, of course. That works... it fits." He murmured to himself before proceeding. "So..." he moved on, touching what appeared to be a small tuft of hair, also with a trace of blood on it. "Pulled out. Again... not the victim's."

He stopped and looked at Buzz once more, but the older man held his hands up palm out.

"Not asking. I trust your intuition, Shawn. If you feel like explaining, it's up to you."

"I'll try... after. Hair pulled out usually means a struggle. Things were starting to add up for me when I found it. This book... and the two crumpled, ripped up papers I collected clinched it. At least... I think it did."

"Believe me, I won't hesitate to tell you either way."

Shawn waited a moment, trying to temper his enthusiasm in case he'd drawn the wrong conclusions or let an incorrect clue mislead him, but he couldn't suppress all of his excitement and Buzz could hear it more and more clearly the more he spoke.

"Yeah... Okay, so this guy was a Mason, a majorly ancient tradition. They take their secrets really, *really* seriously. Somehow, some way... I think he betrayed those secrets to the outside world. On purpose, or by mistake... there's no way to tell. He didn't feel like he did anything wrong, so he fought to keep the symbols, but he wasn't strong enough. The scratches came from somebody tearing his watch off, which also left the stains on the cuff. Then they ripped his robe away, shredding it a little in the process. They forced him to give up his manual, tome of secret stuff, whatever... and destroyed the papers he signed when he first joined, right in front of him. That just pissed him off and made him fight harder, which is when the attacker's hair got snatched out... and also the reason they finally cracked him in the head. That isn't COD, by the way. My gut says he died from the strangulation... and this was the weapon." Shawn concluded, lifting up a long, thin leather cord with both ends frayed. Retrieving the disk, he breathed deeply and slowly, praying that it all wouldn't collapse at the last moment and leave him looking like a complete fool. When the end of the cord slipped easily through the hole in the medallion, he grinned from ear to ear. Buzz was dying to echo the joyful expression, but he wasn't quite finished yet.

"Alright. Now... how do we find the killer?"

"E.R. records in the right time frame would be a logical place to start. The watch... I think the main attacker busted it and his fist during the fight, He'd need medical help to fix it. If he was afraid of getting caught and stayed away... You could go through the ranks of local GP's, but confidentiality means he or she wouldn't have to just give up his name and info... and the Masons, being how they are... You'd have to get a court order, which takes time... but, yeah. You'd get him eventually."

"Last question. When we did bring in the suspect in for questioning... what might be the final nail in his coffin?"

"Huh? Well, the... no, I said that... Oh. Oh, yeah. The hand would heal pretty quick and he could hide it... but hair doesn't grow back overnight. Hang on... wait a minute. The pendant... that's number ten. You sneaky..."

"Number one actually. I thought I was being so clever and you kicked my ass almost before the game even started. You did an amazing job. I'm so damn proud of you, Shawn... prouder than you can possibly imagine."

Though part of him knew Buzz meant it with all his heart, a much larger part of Shawn was abruptly at a loss as to how he should handle the compliment. He'd heard praise so infrequently over the course of his life that the words ( damn proud... amazing job...) were simply bouncing around in his head, devoid of the meaning and context that might help him understand and internalize Buzz's ardent declaration. Blanching, he pushed his chair back and stood, fighting to keep his shaky legs from dropping him to the floor. "Shawn..."

"Stop. I... just for now, I need some... some distance, okay? I heard you and-and I'm grateful... I guess. I think... look, can I go upstairs for a while?"

"Of course. I'll let you know when lunch gets here."

"Thanks." Shawn breathed then turned and ran full tilt out of the room and into seclusion.

TBC...  



	7. Chapter 7

Buzzed 6/?

Buzz gently drew Gus away from the stairs and back to the table where the items still lay, arranged in the order Shawn had used them to explain the crime. Once all three men were seated, Gus turned and stared over his shoulder, clearly not pleased with the situation.

"Gus? Gus, I swear he's fine. He asked for a little space and peace and I'm giving it to him."

Turning back, Gus scowled at Buzz.

"What'd you do to him?"

"Nothing bad. I offered him a puzzle to solve. He did better than I could've hoped so I praised his work."

Gus nodded, closed his eyes for a long moment and sagged against the back of the chair.

"That'd do it. Damn..."

"He didn't grow up hearing what an amazing kid he was, so it's no surprise that he still doesn't get that it's the truth." Carlton inserted softly. "Having somebody say that, realizing they mean it... bound to freak the guy out."

"I guess," Gus sighed. "I don't know how to do this. I just don't. My folks have always treated me like I'm more than just another... living thing that has their DNA and can be everything they never were. Shawn... how am I supposed to help him if I can't understand what he's been through?"

"By getting him to talk about it. Let him teach you what it was like to grow up with someone like Henry. When he runs out of steam, gently feed him back your own stories... ones that illustrate how it's supposed to be. As long as you're really careful to keep judgment and pity strictly out of the exchanges, over time he'll open up more and more. He'll start listening and thinking about what you're saying."

"Forcing his poor excuse for a father out of Shawn's life has to be a last resort." Carlton added. "Much better if the kid makes the choice on his own, free of interference."

" *Our* interference, sure... but not Henry's." Gus rumbled. Buzz grinned tightly.

"Hey, he said force was last on the list of options, not that it was out completely. If he makes it necessary, I'll push *hard* and that SOB won't ever open his mouth around Shawn again."

Gus scrubbed both hands over his face before responding.

"That's something I can't even hope for. I've watched Shawn have to deal with his bull for so many years... maybe I just gave up on Henry ever changing."

"You willing to elaborate?"

"I shouldn't. If Shawn wanted to tell you guys..."

"Just one incident..." Carlton encouraged. "... and only if you think it might help us understand where Shawn's coming from when it involves Henry."

Gus breathed out heavily.

"Okay... one. Back a few months, when he was shot and kidnapped... did he ever let slip how he got away the first time?"

"No. I tried, but he blew it off... put on his goofball-mask and practically ran from me."

"Yeah, well... he told me. He was ten, eleven... and Henry decided to teach him how to escape from a car trunk by forcing him into one, closing it and making him stay 'till he did it right. I guess I should thank God the knowledge was there when he really needed it, but..."

"Yeah." Buzz said, rising and pacing a few steps away to give himself a little distance while he calmed down. "Probably a hundred more stories like that..."

"Not that extreme and not so many. Henry... he just didn't get Shawn. He wouldn't look at his drawings or listen to what *Shawn* was dreaming about. His son was gonna be a cop, no matter what it took."

Buzz whirled around and swiftly returned to the table.

"Hang on... Shawn draws?"

"And paints. He's actually pretty amazing at it, when he decides to really focus. He won't tell anybody, though, and he refuses to let me say anything. He swore he'd cut me out of his life if I ever did. For once... he was serious. You guys can't rat me out, here..."

"No, of course not." Lassiter assured him. "I'll come up with an idea that'll get him to show me without him knowing what's really going on..."

Buzz grinned wryly and shook his head.

"Man... this kid has so much good stuff crammed inside him I'm shocked he hasn't exploded by now. Does he sign his paintings, Gus?"

"Yeah, but with an anagram. Nahws Crepnes."

Both of the others burst out laughing.

"That's really good. Sounds like some unknown Dutch master out of the 1880's ..." Lassiter praised. Hearing slow, tentative footsteps heading down the stairs, the trio smiled at each other and, one by one turned to watch Shawn's reappearance.

"Hey."

"Hi." Buzz replied quietly. "Everything settled down in your head?"

"Some. Enough."

"Ready to keep going?"

"Yeah. I am."

"Good man." Buzz told him, meeting Shawn in the middle of the floor. "Knees."

"What? Come *on*..."

"You and I have to establish real trust. This is how it happens."

"Damn it..."

"I need to know that you understand, Shawn."

"Understand what? That you get to humiliate me whenever you feel like it just because you've got me locked in? I'm not a trained chimp and you're no zookeeper..."

Buzz gripped Shawn's chin once more, bringing their gazes into line.

"Did it feel like that last night? Was it humiliating or degrading?"

Shawn fought and mentally shrank away, but once again Buzz's stare seemed to have him paralyzed somehow and, at last, the younger man breathed out a reluctant answer.

"No."

"Then what was it? How *did* it feel, hmmm?"

"I can't... I won't."

"The noise is telling you that. You think it's protecting you, but all it does is keep you from reading your compass. Get beyond the fog, Shawn. Speak from your heart, dig into the deepest part of you... and tell me how it felt to kneel last night."

Shawn tossed his head and this time a tear or two actually spilled down his cheeks. Buzz felt his own heart clench in his chest, but he held on and refused to surrender. "No... I'm not letting you go. I won't lose you to the path you've been walking the past few years. Just tell me, little one. Tell me..."

The other man finally responded, but it was little more than a murmur and Buzz pressed him. "Again. Say it again, louder. I trust you, Shawn, and I believe you trust me. Now all that's left is to give yourself that same gift. Once... just say it once..."

"It... it was a relief..." Shawn forced out. Buzz now cupped his face with both hands.

"Why?"

"I don't know..."

"Yeah you do. In your center, in the quiet place way down inside... you know."

"I... I needed to... had to... so I could stop being mad at the world... and running for my life. It's... it's like my whole life's been a marathon. Doing what you wanted... that was the finish line... someplace I could finally just stop and catch my breath."

"That sounds amazing."

Shawn nodded desperately, almost frantically. Buzz stroked the young man's face with his thumbs and spoke gently, seeking to soothe him. "I'm really glad. You deserve that feeling. You've deserved it for a long time."

"I... I want it again... please..."

"It isn't mine to give. You reach out and take it, little one. Take what belongs to you."

"Buzz..."

"Yes, you can, if you want to. I'll never force you into anything. It'll always be your choice."

Gradually, Shawn sank to his knees once again, hanging his head as if he were trying to block out the knowledge of what he'd just done. Buzz wouldn't let him get by with the show of embarrassment. "Oh, no. Look at me, Shawn. Meet my eyes. Good. Now for the questions. Do you trust that you're safe?"

"I... yeah. I do."

"Do you trust you'll get some benefit from what I'm showing you?"

"Yes."

"Do you trust that I won't ever reveal what happens between us to anyone, unless I have your permission, and that nothing you tell me will be used to harm you, here or out in the world?"

"Yes."

"Good man. On your feet... and close your eyes. Keep them that way until I say otherwise."

"I get it, no peeking."

I hope not. This brand-new foundation we're building is still fragile, kiddo. I have to be able to trust you, too."

Shawn absorbed that silently for several seconds then tilted his head briefly and shot Buzz a quizzical look.

"That mean I get to have some questions of my own?"

"A reasonable number."

"Three... just like you."

"Sounds fair."

"Do you really believe I can be all the stuff you said?"

"Absolutely. Not a doubt, not a question."

"Do you really believe it's for the best that I totally pull away from my dad?"

"If he were anybody else, my honest answer would be that I'm not a hundred percent sure... but I've gotten to know both of you. Yes... I think it's the right course."

"Do you believe that I'm capable of telling the truth?"

Buzz reached out and brushed hair away from Shawn's forehead.

"I believe that most of the time you want to... but you're too used to listening to that audio loop inside your head that's stuck on 'kill or be killed, lie before someone can lie to you'. The answer... is that, here, in isolation, yeah, you're being truthful with me. Once we all leave... turning off that recording will take time and work."

"Yeah..." Shawn responded vaguely, shrugging and dropping his gaze again. Buzz gazed at him for a moment then followed the hunch fizzing into life in his brain. When a light hand touched his hair again, Shawn allowed himself barely a second of admitting how good it felt and how much he wanted it to continue before he subtly turned away. Buzz let the minor victory pass without any comment except a smothered grin.

"Okay, Back to work. Eyes closed."

Once Shawn had grudgingly complied, though he successfully hid his own smile as well, Buzz gestured to Lassiter, who had been intently watching. While the detective moved around the room, executing the task Buzz had developed when they'd planned the encounter weeks earlier, Buzz did his part; distraction. "Did you ever get into meditation?"

"Are you nuts? There's *way* too much interesting stuff in the world for me to waste time sitting around breathing."

Buzz snorted mentally. ' Right. Has nothing to do with the terror of being alone with your thoughts and finally having to accept how impressive they are... never mind the world-shaking potential you have just in general.'

"It's a lot more than that. Later on we'll get into specifics, but for now I just want to give you a taste. Picture a wall in front of you, painted bright white. When you breathe in, hold it for a slow count of three... good. Let it out the same way. Stay with that image. Nice. Good job. Keep that up. In, hold for three... and out. Perfect. Now there are colors swirling all over that wall. Mixing together... pulling apart. Can you see them?"

"Yeah... blue, green, brown... weird."

"The more you do this, the less you'll think so, I promise. Where are your emotions right now?"

"I'm okay. Calmer than I was a minute ago. Pretty much relaxed. Wait... the colors tell me that?"

"They do. You'll need to learn to decode the messages, but once you get that down you'll have an amazing tool, Shawn. When you get confused, when there's just too much going on in your head... close your eyes and come back to this place. It'll help you sort everything out and choose what to do."

"Really."

"I know. The skeptic in you isn't going to be gagged and handcuffed in only forty-eight hours, but trust me... I'll get him yet."

From the corner of his eye, Buzz saw Carlton return silently to his seat. "Okay, open up and look around." He told the younger man, handing him a small notebook and a pen. "Taking as much time as you think you need, you're going to walk the room again, this time writing down everything that's different than it was during the last game. Any changes, even slight ones, get them down on paper. Okay?"

Shawn nodded solemnly. "Great. Go on."

"No specific number of things this time?"

"Nope. Find as many as you can. When you think you're done, come back to the table and we'll talk about your list."

Shawn tilted his head again in acknowledgement and moved off, flipping the pad open and uncapping the pen as he walked. Buzz observed for a few seconds then moved back to claim his seat, keenly anticipating the results of the test.

TBC...  



	8. Chapter 8

Buzzed 7/?

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER:

Shawn returned to join the other three and was immediately handed a pad and pen. He spent what remained of the hour itemizing every change he'd discovered. Buzz scanned it quickly and favored him with a bright smile.

"Can I say it and not freak you out this time?"

"I don't know. Give it a shot."

"This is perfect. You didn't miss one. Great job, Shawn."

Buzz could see how uncomfortable the young man still was at hearing the words, but this time Shawn managed his distress better and stayed in his chair. Buzz felt a swell of pride, but wisely chose not to push Shawn's new tolerance level by expressing that emotion out loud. Instead, he took a new tack, challenging his new protege to explore why he was reacting that way. "What's the issue there, huh? Why do you think it messes with your head when I say positive things about you?"

"Like I have the least clue?"

"C'mon, little one. Think, reason... try and figure it out."

"I don't know, damn it! Maybe... I guess if it's a woman... it makes a difference. Maybe."

"That makes a lot of sense. I've seen you look like the sun was about to come shooting out of your ears when the Chief says thanks or gives you an atta-boy."

"Yeah, and when Juliet stands up for you and stays on your side, no matter how crazy it gets... you light up like a Vegas Christmas tree, Shawn." Gus added.

The logical conclusion became an instant elephant in the room, one that even Buzz was reluctant to pull the cover away from, but Lassiter had never been shy about speaking the truth. Even so, he did it as gently as he knew how.

"Could it have something to do with your mom?"

To his surprise, instead of bristling and overflowing with anger, Shawn pulled into himself a little, crossing his arms over his body in defense.

"It could." He responded softly after a long stretch of tense silence. "She was always the buffer, you know? When he started bullying and pushing me, she stepped in between... made him quit. Then she'd tell me the same stuff you've been saying. That I could be amazing at anything I wanted to do... and that it was my choice, not his. I had to be strong and pick my own road, not let him bulldoze me onto the one *he* thought was right."

Lassiter knew the bare bones of the story from that point on, but he prodded, ever so lightly, curious to see if Shawn would reveal anything more substantial.

"And? What happened?"

"You know."

"Yeah... but it might help if you say it. Purge a little more of what's eating you up inside."

"It's not a big deal. He ground her down, she couldn't stand it anymore, she had to get out. She hated leaving me... but she said she felt like she was dying. She knew I'd be thrown into dad's shredder and turned into confetti, but she couldn't stay. Running was the only way to save herself. What went on after...it wasn't her fault. I didn't blame her then, I don't now."

"But because of what she did for you... because she was the only positive voice you were really hearing at the time, you take praise from women a lot easier than from men. I get it now. Thanks for opening that up for me, Shawn. I can tell it wasn't easy." Buzz offered. Shawn shrugged and half turned away from the others at the table.

"Yeah, goody-goody, yippe-kai-ay. Can we talk about something else, now?"

"Sure. Like what?"

"Like you two. Explain this... whatever you two have. Gimme details."

"Okay... to a point. In order to start wrapping your head around your role as a sub, you need to understand what Carlton and I are to each other. Nothing intimate, now. I wasn't kidding about our private lives staying private... but I can at least give you the basics. Carlton is a submissive. That means he finds peace and comfort in letting go of his control and power and surrendering to someone he trusts completely. I'm a dominant... dom for short. I've been his dom exclusively for the last two years. It's good for both us. He gets a release valve for the stress and pain he goes through on the job day to day... I get my own kind of serenity having someone to love, pamper and take care of."

Shawn looked away and forced a smile.

"That, uh... that's not me."

"No. You're a more rare type of natural submissive. Years ago you had your power and control stolen and you've been scrambling and fighting to get it back ever since. Unfortunately, the ways you've tried to do that were mostly inappropriate and didn't get you the respect you feel you deserve."

"God, don't talk about me that way! I'm not gonna turn into some lunatic with a gun, waving it around the station and screaming 'I'll kill all of you unless somebody listens!' That's... I wouldn't do that."

"Not yet."

"Not ever."

"Not if you let us help. All this... learning to understand who you are and what being a sub really means... this is what you've been looking for all these years. This is the path back to your power and I know you're strong enough to walk it, Shawn. I promise you, the end of the journey will be worth all the struggle and every battle you have to go through. The man you were supposed to be will be waiting there for you... the one you could have been if Henry had understood what you needed and the right way to give it to you."

"He tried, damn it. Maybe he messed up once or twice, but no dad is perfect..."

"I thought we agreed you'd be honest with me and yourself."

"What? I was..."

"Once or twice?"

"Yeah, yeah. Cut it out, okay? I may not like him a lot of the time, but I... love him."

"Try that again. Say that last part again and this time add back what you left out."

Shawn's expression hardened.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. Just say it the way you wanted to, Shawn. It's not a crime or a sin. Feel how you feel and take responsibility for it. Go on."

"I can't."

"Then you'll never get back what was taken from you... what's he's *still* taking every time you're around him. You manage even a little forward momentum, make even an inch of progress, and he shows up to step on you and drag you down. Stop accepting that as the natural order of things, Shawn. Stop letting him rob you. Say it, little one... say it and get the power flowing in the *right* direction."

Shawn squirmed, refused to look at Buzz and deliberately mumbled what he knew the other man wanted to hear. Suddenly Gus was there, talking softly and holding tightly to his hand. Buzz backed off a bit, sensing the pair were about to take an important first step. "One more time, Shawn. I know you can do this. I believe in you. C'mon... act like he's right in front of you and say what you've wanted to since you were eight years old. Tell him the truth, buddy."

Buzz was certain Shawn was about to speak, about to gain the first morsel of true freedom he'd possessed in years, but sudden, rapid pounding on the bar's front door destroyed everything he'd been trying to achieve. Shawn looked up, blanched, jumped from his chair and ran, rapidly disappearing through the door to the stairs, followed closely by Gus. Buzz glanced over his shoulder and turned the opposite color Shawn just had.

TBC...  



	9. Chapter 9

Buzzed 8/?

"What the... how the hell did he find this place?" he growled, rising to his full height. Carlton was there instantly, glued to his dom's side as he stalked to the door and tore it open. Before the man on the other side could say a word, Buzz clamped his hand fiercely over his mouth.

"Pay attention, Henry. You're going to get back in your car and leave here without making a sound. Comply and you get home in one piece. One word of protest... just one... and I will pull you apart swiftly and thoroughly and dump you in the nearest ditch. Do we understand each other?"

Within seconds, Buzz knew he'd let his anger lead him into taking the wrong course of action. Henry's expression became even more furious and he struggled against the large hand keeping him from making any intelligible sounds. Buzz took a deep breath and, without letting go, dragged Henry forcibly out the door. "Lock up after me, Carlton."

Only when they were several feet from the building would Buzz release the older man. The instant verbal assault that scoured his ears made him wish he had decided otherwise.

"You let him out, damn it! You've got no right to hold him against his will! God only knows what you're doing to him! I can have this place surrounded by SWAT and State Police and probably FBI before you can blink. You let him go right now or you have*no* idea what hell I will bring down on your head!"

"Done."

"Not on your life..."

"That wasn't a question. You're done." Buzz stated darkly. Henry opened his mouth, but after noting that Buzz's expression matched his voice, chose not to continue. "First smart thing you've done in years. Now you need to listen... very carefully. Shawn wants to be here."

"You're a damn liar..."

"Did Shawn run to the door, fling it open and jump into your arms just now? No. He ran *away* from you, Henry. He obviously wasn't looking to be rescued."

"Lemme talk to him... hear it for myself."

"No."

"You can't..."

"I didn't. It was his decision. Go home, Henry... now. If you don't I really will have to hurt you. That will lose me Shawn's trust, which I won't allow to happen, so..."

"He's my son."

"Act like it for once. Despite what you've told him over and over, Shawn is smart enough and wise enough to make his own choices. Leave him in peace so he can do it."

"Smart? Wise? You can't be describing Shawn! The kid has less than zero judgment, no common sense..."

"And clearly nobody at home who gave a damn. You wasted his childhood telling him what he *wasn't* and would never be, and trying to force him into a mold you knew damn *well* he didn't fit in. It's my turn, now, Henry... Shawn's and mine. Even after he gets back to town, you don't see him, phone him, e-mail him... nothing. He'll come to you when he's ready. Until he does, you stay out of his life. Are we clear?"

Henry didn't nod or acknowledge anything he'd heard, but he did turn and move off, climbing back into his car and driving away. Buzz watched until he couldn't see the vehicle anymore, as if afraid the intruder would come roaring back if he didn't make absolutely sure he was gone.

When he made it to the upstairs bedroom, he found Shawn staring out the window and Gus close beside him, one hand on his best friend's lower back. Buzz approached slowly and spoke quietly.

"I'm sorry, Shawn. I don't know how he found out where we are. I didn't want you having to face him until you were ready."

Following a few moments of tense, shallow breathing, Shawn's arm moved abruptly and stopped only because Gus caught it and held it firmly. Buzz rushed to stand by the pair and realized Shawn had been about to put his fist through the window.

"Shawn..."

"You wanna hear it now? Huh? Fine, I'll say it if you can answer the question. You give me the answer, I'll say any damn thing you want me to."

"I can't, Shawn. I don't know why. That's something you have to figure out for yourself."

The younger man frowned and flexed his forearm, testing Gus' hold. Realizing his partner wasn't about to release him, he breathed deeply and refocused on Buzz.

"Another question then. One you *can* answer*."

"I'll do my best."

"Am I allowed to never speak to him again? Can I make that decision?"

"Eventually."

"Why not now?"

"Developing self-awareness takes time. You shouldn't make such a major choice until and unless you understand everything possible about yourself. Then you can look at Henry objectively and decide if he's an influence you want in your life... or you need to leave him behind."

"Figures. Can I punch out the pretty glass square now?"

"Not a chance. C'mon downstairs, okay? I'll show you how I make stuff like this better."

Without further comment or encouragement Buzz turned and headed back down the stairs, trusting Shawn's curiosity would tow the other man in his wake, however grudgingly. When he and Gus finally made it back to the main level, Shawn found yet one more surprise waiting for him. Buzz's head and shoulders had vanished behind the open door of the freezer compartment above the fridge that sat in a corner behind the bar. His hands were only occasionally visible when he passed a carton or pint container backwards to Carlton.

"Huh? And also, what?" Shawn inquired.

"Ice cream." Was the faintly muffled reply. "It's the ultimate cure for any and every nasty thing that burdens the human spirit. Well, *my* human spirit anyway. What flavor do you want?"

Shawn hesitated for a long moment, but he'd never been able to resist the siren call of a bowl of ice cream.

"Options?"

"We've got just about every flavor you can think of and practically every topping in existence." Buzz replied, finally closing the freezer. "Pick your poison."

"Chocolate... with strawberries and nuts."

"So simple? I'm a little surprised."

"Please! No real connoisseur piles a mountain of guck on top of it!" Shawn protested. "Banana splits are for people who can't stand the taste of ice cream!"

Buzz laughed.

"I completely agree. Mind if I try your combination?"

"No, man. I don't hog the yumminess. Go on with your bad self."

"Thanks. Okay, now for the big question: Plain chocolate... or the good stuff?" Buzz asked, first holding up a large tub and then a colorful, very familiar pint container. Shawn's eyes widened, making Buzz and Carlton both chuckle.

"B-Ben... and Jerry's... N-N-New York Super F-Fudge..."

Shawn's stuttered recitation trailed off into a soft, low groan.

"Why did I even bother to ask..."

TBC...  



	10. Chapter 10

Buzzed 9/?

"You know what..." Shawn posited as he licked an already clean spoon, seeking invisible traces of chocolate or fruit that might have been left behind. "... you just may be right about ice cream and that... soul-healing theory of yours. I've been using fury, misery, jealousy... a lot of idiocy and lunacy. I'm seeing now... that none of those really worked all that well."

Buzz gently pried the spoon from Shawn's hand before he answered.

"I've noticed."

"Yeah, well... I knew that a long time ago." Gus added lightly, scraping the last dregs of his vanilla with pineapple and caramel out of his dish. "About the ice cream, I mean. When I'm under a lotta stress, get me anywhere near a Klondike bar or an ice cream sandwich... and you take it away from me under penalty of death."

Lassiter grinned wickedly. Buzz silently pleaded with him not to go there, certain Gus would either recoil or demand he and Shawn be allowed to go home. Once in a great while, however, his headstrong sub simply refused to acknowledge where the line was, even as he was deliberately and gleefully stepping over it. All Buzz could do was roll his eyes and pray he could repair any damage afterward.

"Reaaally. What *would* you do, Guster?"

"Excuse me?"

"If I had one. What would you do?"

Gus' spine visibly straightened and his chin lifted, pushing forward just the tiniest bit,

"Since I'm not under that much stress, I couldn't say." He declared formally.

"I assume you have at least *some* imagination. Think about it. Your bosses are screaming at you about sales quotas on one side, Shawn is jumping around like he's in Psychic Swan Lake on the other. You need a Klondike bar like you never needed anything in your entire life, but I control every one in existence. What price could I ask?"

Still stiff-necked, Gus replied so quietly that it took effort for the established couple to hear and comprehend.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"If I told you I wanted to see you give up everything and live for Shawn... sacrifice your home, your job, your parents and dedicate every molecule that's in you only to him... what would you say?"

Utterly still, eyes as wide as Lassiter had ever seen them, Gus stared at his interrogator as if an alien had materialized in front of him and was offering a solar system tour and free lessons in how to fly a UFO. "It's not that hard, Burton. Either way the answer's only one word."

"I... how can you even..."

"Because it's important. Not just to you, to him. He needs to hear somebody say out loud that if it really mattered... he'd come first."

Frowning, Shawn finally sat forward and intervened.

"Stop it, Lassie. You've got no right. Gus is my BFF because of who he is, and who he is doesn't happen to include throwing his feelings everywhere like confetti on some stupid game show. Leave him alone."

"No, Shawn... he's right." Gus countered softly, reaching out to grip his friend's wrist in an effort to calm him. "You're my brother from another mother, you know that... but you *don't* know what real trust is 'cause nobody ever gave you reason to find out. Not even me."

"Gus, c'mon..."

"You would come first with me, Shawnie... you do." Gus replied in a near whisper then turned to Lassiter and spoke more boldly. "The answer is yes. You could go as far as telling me to bleed and die... I'd say the same."

After several seconds of trying to calm his breathing and not succeeding, Gus finally addressed the dom. "Um... can I go outside for a minute, Buzz? I... need air."

"Of course. I assume from your response to Carlton's question..."

"You don't need to watch me. I'm not goin' anywhere." He confirmed, staring directly at Shawn.

"Go ahead and unlock the door, Carlton."

As the two men moved off, Buzz also turned his gaze on Shawn and found the young man staring at the floor and struggling not to let any expression at all emerge. "Obviously Gus' statements were hard for you to hear. Why?"

"Go to hell."

"Was he right? With your background I can see how trust could be a major issue."

Shawn stood up and stalked a step or two away.

"Just shut up... please, I just need you to shut up."

"No chance, little one. I refuse to apologize for pushing you and opening your eyes. Somebody should've done it a long time ago. I know damn well you don't hate all this as much as you might want me to think. Now tell me why you're so upset."

"No!"

Buzz's eyes widened slightly.

"This is about Gus. I let Carlton agitate him without stepping in. You wanted me to protect him, but I let it go until you finally had to say something. Now Gus knows you feel the same way about him and that wasn't ever supposed to happen."

Shawn wheeled back around and glared daggers at Buzz.

"You son of a... why do you think he's out there right now, huh? He's trying to decide the easiest way to tell me..."

"What? Tell you what, Shawn?"

"You're so smart, you figure it out."

"Wait. You can't actually believe he'd walk away from you now. After what he just gave up? How does *that* idea ever get into your head?"

"He has no choice! I told you, nobody knows him like me! Admitting all that stuff means he has to try and accept it... and he'll never be able to! Damn it, you don't get... Gus is what he was brought up to be. The idea that he and I could be... like that... even if he really wanted it, the voices of his parents and his church and half a dozen other people who helped raise him would keep taking home-run swings at his conscience until he went crazy. I won't let that happen, you hear me? I won't."

"Because you do love him."

"So what if I do? He has everything I never did... the support and the foundation I wanted so bad. If he tried to do this he'd lose it all and end up in a butt-load of pain. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I think I read somewhere that if you feel... that word for somebody, pain is the one thing you try *not* to cause. Knowing I was that selfish would shred *my* conscience, we'd both end up on anti-depressants and/or in therapy... in short, our lives would be huge, ginormous train wrecks and nobody wants to see that, never mind clean it up."

Buzz grinned lightly.

"As usual, you weren't listening. Carlton asked if Gus would willingly give up all the things you named. The answer was yes."

"Only because he doesn't know how hard it'll be! I'm telling you, if his folks turn their backs on him..."

"... I'll handle it." came the shaky voice of his best friend from a foot or two inside the re-locked door. Shawn hesitated for a moment then kept on with his litany, praying Gus would relent and accept what Shawn believed was the truth.

"Your job, your faith, the rest of your family..."

"... I'll handle it." Gus repeated with more certainty.

"I wouldn't give you the chance."

"You're not runnin' away before we have a chance to talk this out, Shawn."

"I would be if the door wasn't locked..."

Buzz sighed under his breath and intervened.

"Shawn, sit back down at the table."

"Buzz..."

"I know. Just sit. Carlton, would you take Gus upstairs for a while? Teaching him the Intention Litany might be a good idea."

"And the test?"

"If he makes it through the litany, go ahead."

"Yes, sir."

Though Gus fought his gentle encouragement at first, eventually Lassiter was able to guide him through the door and up to the bedroom. Shawn refused to watch him go, but the slight tic of a muscle in his jaw told Buzz stress was quickly building to the point of explosion in his protege.

"Close your eyes, little one."

"I don't wanna, you can't make me."

"Very mature."

"I'm not *feeling* mature right now, okay?"

"I get that. I also get that there's a headache in your near future like you haven't had in years. I can stop it."

Shawn stared at Buzz, skepticism radiating off him.

"You can?"

"With your help."

Again, Shawn gave his mentor the look that said 'I don't wanna...', but he knew the pain was coming as well and he eventually gave in.

"Yeah, yeah. Get on with it."

"I will, when you do what I asked."

Shawn sighed loudly and closed his eyes. The other man shook his head, already formulating how to respond to the childish display after he'd headed off the younger man's imminent tension headache.

"First... slow down your breathing. Deliberately slow it down. Better. Now lay your hands flat on your thighs... no, palm up. That's right. Okay, here's the easy part. When I say the word stress, tell me the first image that comes into your head."

"Fire. It's burning everything... so hot I can hardly stand it. The door is burning... I'm on the other side and I can't get out."

"What would change things? How do you fix it, Shawn?"

"Can't... I don't know."

"Think, little one. Focus on the solution, not the problem."

"Rain... maybe if it rained..."

"Make it happen. See it raining. Just a little at first... a few drops cooling off your forehead... and your hands..."

"That feels so good. It's getting heavier now... the heat's less and less. The fire's out."

"Walk to the door... go through it. Open your eyes, Shawn."

"What the... what'd you just do?" Shawn asked softly, hi voice infused with wonder and amazement.

"How do you feel?"

"Great. The headache... it's backed off completely. That was a meditation... right?"

"Right."

"So my d... so things I have trouble dealing with... things that stress me out... all I have to do is that... and it'll get easier?"

"It won't work for everything, obviously... but most stuff, yeah. Close your eyes for a minute, breathe slow and deep, see your personal, private scenario playing out... and whatever it is should be easier to handle."

"It's not private. You know."

Buzz stood up, reached out and cupped Shawn's cheek briefly.

"Do you trust that whatever you choose to tell me..."

He paused, clearly waiting for Shawn to continue.

"... and anything I reveal without meaning to..."

"... will stay between us..."

"... and never be used to hurt me... in any way?"

"Yes or no?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Purpose games resume now."

TBC...  



	11. Chapter 11

Buzzed 10/?

Lassiter guided Gus to a chair and dropped down to the edge of the bed facing him.

"That... had to be one of the bravest things I've ever seen."

Gus dropped his head into his hands.

"Yeah? Then shouldn't I feel like Rocky at the top of the stairs or something?"

"How *do* you feel?"

"Like I'm about to throw up."

"Mmm. Yeah, I can see why. You just laid your heart and soul on the line and you're not sure if Shawn will give you his in return or step over your offering and walk away. That could make anybody nauseous"

"Step *on*... though I don't think he sees it that way."

"He will. Give Buzz a little more time with him."

"We may not have it. Hangin' Henry doesn't give up. If he can get to the Chief and convince her..."

"Relax. She's on our side."

"Hang on... she *knows*?"

"Not everything. Carlton told her that you and Shawn agreed to a boot camp, Outward Bound kind of adventure to show you a little of what we had to go through in the academy. She thought it was a great idea. If Henry goes to her and starts insisting you've been kidnapped... she'll think he's gone around the bend."

"Not so far from the truth..." Gus mused, his expression still dark and troubled. Abruptly, he decided to take control of the conversation and changed the subject. "What was Buzz talking about downstairs? He wants you to teach *me* now, too?"

"Of course. Once you leave here, you'll be Shawn's lifeline. The responsibility for guiding him, helping to train him, keeping him on track...it'll pretty much be on your shoulders."

"Yeah... So what was it he said?"

"He asked me to take you through the Intention Litany. You tell me, or you write down, what changes you want to help Shawn make when you go home. Then I show you how to turn that into statements... promises you'll make to him."

Gus scowled, rose and moved to the window. Lassiter joined him after allowing the other man a moment to breathe.

"Might as well skip it. He won't accept anything from me."

"Buzz can get through to him. You have to have a little faith."

"Hmmmph. If I didn't, I'd be peacefully livin' somewhere else right now... and God only knows where Shawn would be."

"Okay, then. Let Buzz do his work... and you and I will do ours. What's the biggest thing you'd like to see happen with Shawn?"

"That he show the world who he really is and what he can do. Willingly."

"That last part may take a while. Surviving Henry left the kid pretty wounded. He won't see much value in potentially tearing the scabs off."

"I know. But what he can do... it's somethin' that deserves to be recognized. He's not a fool or a slacker... and he's not a nutcase. I want the world to see the person he's got buried inside... the *real* Shawn."

"What do you think he needs to get there?"

"Trust... and self-confidence."

"Sounds about right." Lassiter concurred, moving off to retrieve a notepad and pen from a bedside table and returning quickly. "Now formalize that desire. Say it as if he's standing in front of you."

Gus drew and released a slow deep breath before making the attempt.

"I promise I'll help you see how amazing you are, Shawn... and I'll be right by your side when you finally tell the world what your *real* gifts are."

"You're including his art in that?"

Gus nodded. "Great choice. Now write it down just that way. Good... that's perfect. Okay, what's next?"

"I don't know."

"Yeah, you do. Think about it."

"I... I'll help you use your talents to do what you've always wanted to do: help people and make a difference, without following your dad."

"I like it. Get it down on the paper... nice. Any more?"

"No... no, that's it."

"Oh, so you don't count? What you want doesn't matter?"

"I don't understand..."

Lassiter gently took the pad, wrote one word on it large block letters and handed it back. Gus paled when he read it.

"I told you..."

"And I told you to have some trust in Buzz. Shawn will listen to him... then he'll listen to you. And *that*" he declared, poking the word he'd written "...will be yours so fast it'll make your head spin."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Go on, write it down."

Gus hesitated, but eventually he did as he'd been asked, creating the third promise cautiously, slowly. "Good work. On to the next step."

DOWNSTAIRS: SAME TIME PERIOD

"C'mon, little one. You can *too* do this. Hell, this is a test for third graders."

"Okay... I can, but I won't."

"Progress. Why not?"

Shawn scowled and pushed away the brightly colored set of wooden blocks in front of him.

"I don't want to." He intoned stiffly.

Buzz studied him critically.

"It's not difficult, so fear of failure isn't the issue. Fear of success?"

Shawn snorted and lowered his chin and his mentor knew he had it right. "You don't want me to know how easily you can do this. What result did you get when you took it in school? Shawn?" Buzz encouraged gently, shifting his chair closer to his student.

"Result... it doesn't matter what the official result was. All that mattered was the reaction."

"Meaning?"

"Six more feet of height added to the Great Wall of Ice between me and my dad."

Shawn fell silent for a few moments, sighed then continued. "I found out I was smart... really smart. He would've loved that. More repeats of 'You can do better, kid, now I have proof '... that I could've handled. Problem was, my aptitude score said I was meant to do something creative. Art, music, writing... I tried to hide that part from him, begged my teachers and the principal to keep it to themselves. They just laughed... said any parent would be proud. Yeah, any *normal* parent."

"What did he do?"

"Tore up the letter they sent home, dragged me out to the front yard and tried to make me do push-ups and run laps. I refused, yelled, kicked dirt at him... the wall got a little higher."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. He *should've* been proud."

"Hey, he is who he is. Nothing I could do about it."

"You're right about that. He's the only one who can break down the things that stand in the way of you really being father and son."

"Never happen."

"If these two days lead where I'm hoping... if you get to the point where you're willing and able to show the Chief the real Shawn Spencer... Henry might just surprise you. No guarantees, but the possibility's there, anyway."

"Seeing is believing."

"Skeptics never win and winners never skep." Buzz laughed. "Will you do the test for me? It'll be fun to see you whip through it."

"I guess. Ah, why not? Nothing else to do right now..."

Buzz laid the first card down in front of Shawn, who studied the color and shape pattern for a few seconds then pulled the blocks back toward him and began to arrange them and turn them over. Within a minute or two he had matched the original design exactly. Buzz covered the card with another and the game continued, drawing Shawn in and exciting him more and more as the designs became intricate and complicated. It took several minutes for him to mentally unlock how to re-create the final image, but he persevered until he succeeded.

"Fantastic, Shawn. Absolutely fantastic."

"Yeah, well... you know, that was a lot more fun than I remembered."

"The original point is to see how far the subject can go... at what point they fail. Kids sense that and it makes it stressful. You knew *I* was cheering for you to get through to the end. That made it a positive experience, not a negative one."

"Huh. That actually makes sense."

"I try."

Buzz sat back in his chair and simply watched until Shawn grew restless, obviously craving something else to do.

"We done? I mean... since we've got plenty of time and all..."

"Sure. I could pull one more out of my bag of tricks. We'll have lunch afterward." Buzz readily agreed, rejoicing that Shawn had initiated the continuation of the tests. It was one more point on Buzz's side of the board and he knew he'd need all he could get.

TBC...  



	12. Chapter 12

Buzzed 11/?

-

10 MINUTES LATER:

"It's not stupid *or* lame, Shawn. It's just for fun. I'm excited to hear your answers."

"But... that's not a real question!"

"Just as real as any other. C'mon... tell me how a barn tastes."

Shawn scowled and manufactured another argument, completely unaware that Gus and Lassiter had descended the stairs and were sitting at a distant table, observing.

"Maybe you go around tasting barns, but I prefer my tongue paint and splinter free!"

"Quit acting dense, little one. I know better. You get what I'm saying."

"Yeah. I guess. Old barn or new one?"

"Old."

"Okay, okay. It tastes... powdery and dry... from the dust that gets stirred up when you walk around. When you find a little spot where the sun pours in and you go stand right in it... that's coppery. Crisp and kinda sweet... like you just pulled a straw out of a hay bale and put it in your mouth."

"Wowwww. Amazing, Shawn. I know exactly what you mean. Now choose something off the table and show me how a rainbow sounds."

Shawn intently picked through the new array of items Buzz had covered the table with. He stopped at a box or crayons for a moment, but decided that was too obvious and began searching again. Finally, he opted for something and very carefully held it up so that none of the metal tubes struck the middle piece or each other. "A wind chime. Interesting. Tell me why?"

"Each piece is a different tone... high, low, in between. You can see it's made up of parts... but it's a whole, too. Like a rainbow."

"So true. Beautifully said."

Buzz stretched out one finger to flick a chime, but Shawn abruptly pulled back.

"Don't! Please..."

"What's wrong?"

"They place they kept me after I was shot... there was a wind chime outside. I really don't like the sound anymore. It was the closest I could come to answering the question, so..."

"It's okay, I get it. You can put it down, now. Slow... gentle. Good. Up for one more?"

"Sure. Go on."

"Think about a time you were the most pissed, the most enraged you've ever been. What would that look like?"

Shawn dropped his chin to his chest. "Is that the answer?"

"Very funny."

"I see. You're taking the fifth?"

The younger man's eyes momentarily shifted to the box of crayons again. "You feel like you can draw it for me?"

Eventually, though his sudden dark mood seemed to worsen even further, Shawn nodded slightly. Buzz rose, moved off to grab a pad of paper and was back in seconds. He set it in front of the other man, dumped out the brightly colored sticks and settled in to watch. Shawn rolled his neck, trying to relieve tension in his shoulders and upper back, reached out and picked up the brown and the black crayons. With the black, he began to create a group of triangles at the bottom, all random sizes and placed at different angles. Some had one side waved instead of straight, some almost appeared to have sharp teeth.

Shifting his hand up the page, Shawn switched to the brown and drew a large square divided into quarters by a cross. Surrounding the junction of the cross' arms he drew a circle and placed more sharp teeth around the inside perimeter. After a few moments of stillness, he lifted the pad, tossed it in front of Buzz and began to meticulously repack the crayons into the box by color family. Buzz studied the story on the paper, absorbing the message Shawn had communicated to him, then looked up slowly. "Shawn... is this about what happened earlier? Shawn? Okay. You don't have to tell me."

Shawn took several deep, slow breaths before his quiet answer finally emerged.

"That's a picture of the time I *actually* shoved my fist through a window. Three windows, as a matter of fact. I've always been faster than Henry. It took him three busted panes of glass to catch me."

"Damn... What happened to make you that mad, anyway?"

At first, more deep breathing was Shawn's only response. "Like I said, you're under no obligation."

"Son of a... trust, right? This is supposed to be about trust?"

"It is."

"I can *trust* that you won't go blabbing this to anybody."

"Doms and subs have their own version of confidentiality."

"If he hears I tried it again today... I guess I'm just scared he'll have a reason to get me thrown in a cuckoo corral or something."

"I swear, Henry won't ever know."

"It was the day I figured out my mom didn't win an around-the-world cruise like he told me. She was never coming back. Not only did the bastard lie to me, I knew *he* was the reason she left. I started trashing whatever I could get my hands on and when he came after me... I went for the windows."

Buzz took a few calming breaths of his own then held out his hand palm up. Shawn turned his head as far as could in the opposite direction, but he surrendered to Buzz's silent request. On close inspection, Buzz could see a few nearly invisible scars running over the back and one or two that vanished between the fingers. "I'm not crazy. I'm not."

"I know that, little one. Inventive, creative and slightly hyperactive, yes... but not crazy. These don't look like three windows worth of nasty cuts."

"I wrapped my sleeve around my hand the first time. It only worked that once. Go on. Say you're sorry, even if you don't know what you're saying it for. I've been waiting since I agreed to this wacky weekend." Shawn demanded.

"You've got to be kidding. Yes, I regret that you've had to go through everything we've talked about. I hurt when I see what years of Henry's neglect and blindness have done to your spirit. I'll even admit that seeing the self-doubt and cynicism in your eyes... damage he's responsible for... that makes *me* furious enough to break a few windows. But pity? No way. You're a survivor, Shawn, and survivors... they deserve more than greeting card platitudes and fake sympathy. I'm not sorry for you, kiddo. I'm amazed and incredibly proud that after all of it... you're still here."

Once more, it was obvious that Buzz's praise had made Shawn deeply self-conscious, but he continued to fight back against the reaction and somehow even managed to turn his head back around, though he wouldn't meet the other man's eyes.

"Here with enough issues to sell subscriptions. On newsstands Tuesday 'I'm a Freak Monthly.' The magazine that lets you compare yourself to other weirdos so you feel better about your unique dysfunction." he muttered.

Buzz reached across and tipped Shawn's chin up.

"You are none of the above. You ever hear that poem about kids learning what they live?"

"Yeah... I think so."

"Well? What was it, exactly, that you learned growing up? Hmmm?"

"A lot of stuff no kid should have to." Shawn murmured. Before Buzz could respond a hand dropped gently onto the young man's shoulder and squeezed.

"I know, Shawnie. I was there." Gus reminded him. Shawn initially jumped at both the voice and the touch, but he quickly recovered, reaching up and lightly patting his friend's hand in acknowledgement.

"You were included in 'no kid', Gus."

"I wouldn't change anything. Not one minute."

"Thanks... but I would."

Gus understood the intention of the comment and knew he'd never win if it turned into an argument, so he gave Shawn another squeeze and changed the subject.

"About lunch-time, isn't it?"

"True." Buzz replied. "Feel like helping me make it?"

"Sure." Gus told him, grinning lightly.

"Okay. C'mon. I'll show you the kitchen..."

As the other two moved off, Carlton walked over and claimed Buzz's chair.

"I know faith isn't something you think you can afford... but if you have a little in Buzz, he'll help make things good for you and Gus."

Shawn's head came up in a flash and he stared, wide-eyed, toward where the other two had disappeared.

"You're not... you can't be... I mean... No way!"

Carlton was careful not to smile as he responded, not wanting Shawn to think he was making light of a serious subject.

"Well... that's up to the two of you."

-

TBC...


	13. Chapter 13

Buzzed 12/?

-

"Gus isn't... that's not him."

"Did you think it was you before the first time Buzz asked you to go to your knees?"

"No. I'm still not sure about it..."

"Did it feel wrong? Awkward?"

Shawn leaned in and rested his forearms on the table.

"It was perfect. Felt like something I've been looking for my whole damn life." He replied quietly.

"Then that's your answer."

Once more, Shawn got up and began to pace a short, tight path close to the table.

"But... Gus."

"If you can't tell he wants this... needs this as much as you do, then you're really not paying attention."

"I am too! He's my bestie, I know him better than anybody!"

"Buzz and I are the same way. We're just as comfortable and happy riding a roller coaster or watching a baseball game as we are in the bedroom. Yeah, we're each other's closest friend... but we're also soul-mates. Dom and sub, meant to find each other. Our friendship doesn't change that."

"No, you don't... I mean I know who Gus is, way down deep... and I won't believe what you're trying to tell me. It's just... impossible."

"I bet you've never looked into his eyes for more than thirty seconds at a time. I bet you can't."

Shawn halted in his tracks and whirled to face Lassiter, his expression betraying his anger and confusion.

"What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're terrified of what you'll see. Especially now that you've felt the peace... the weightlessness of submission. You don't dare to look because you might realize Gus could give you that experience, too... and it'd be ten times as powerful because he's the one you're destined to belong to. Finding out where you fit, what and who you really are... it scares the crap out of you."

"No. That... that's not true..."

"Of course it is. You thinking this will be snatched away just when you start to believe in it... or that you'll be shoved into the dark and left staring through the window at something you can't have... *those* are the lies and until you let yourself accept that, you'll never know how totally fantastic your life could be. Damn it, you *deserve* to know that, Shawn."

The younger man mumbled something and started to turn away. Carlton didn't hear all of it, but what he did catch was enough to vault him out of his seat, rushing to wrap his hands around Shawn's jaw. He knew he wouldn't cause bruising, but his grip would hold the other man in place and make sure their gazes locked.

"Lassie... let go."

"Are you *kidding* me? Not 'till you take that back."

"You couldn't hear what I said..."

"I got enough to make a good guess. Take it back, Shawn. Please."

"You weren't around. You have no idea..."

"Tell me, then."

"I already told Buzz..."

"The more you say the less it hurts."

"No..." Shawn moaned, almost under his breath.

"It's a lie and I can't let you get away with holding onto it and setting it in cement. Please, just talk to me..."

"W-when I found out my mom was gone for good... I trashed the house, broke windows. He finally caught me... shook me like he'd never stop. He said I was useless and a waste of space... and I always would be unless I did things the way *he* wanted."

Lassiter's face twisted momentarily as the shock and grief hit, but he quickly covered, knowing Shawn needed him and trusting Buzz to help him through the aftermath once they were alone.

"I know you don't really believe that."

Shawn pulled away and, despite feeling as if he should pull him back in, Lassiter let him have a little space.

"Why shouldn't I? Look at my existence, Lassie. I screw with people for a living, but I don't really know how to *do* anything a semi-intelligent stranger would give me a paycheck for. I use and abuse my best friend, but he keeps coming back for more 'cause he can't bring himself to just give up on me and CPR his real life... like he should've done a long time ago. Henry was right. He was right and we both know it."

Lassiter held out his hands palm up. Shawn understood what he wanted perfectly well, but felt he'd just made a breakthrough, depressing as it might have been, and was unwilling to let the other sub try and change his mind. Eventually, however, he gave in and laid his hands over Carlton's, following when the taller man sank to his knees.

"Can you let me do this, Shawn? Can you let me talk and not fight what I want to give you?"

"Yeah... I guess."

"Uh-uh. Black or white, yes or no. Can you?"

"God... yeah. Yes, I can."

"No comebacks, no speaking at all, okay? Not until I ask you to."

Shawn nodded. "Good. Buzz and I have this... you could call it a cleansing ritual, I suppose. When I get down on myself and my old habits start rearing their ugly heads, he kneels with me and we work through it together. He calls it Reveal, Release, Recover. You fought through the reveal. Now I'm going to lead you through the second step. Close your eyes for me?"

Shawn glared faintly and snorted, but he complied. "That's it. Now I want you to picture yourself walking through clouds of fog or steam, but instead of being white or gray... it's black. You can't see anything. You're walking... and walking. Finally, your hands make contact with a wall and you stop."

Shawn's expression became deeply upset and Lassiter knew he had moved ahead in the process, understanding the point without needing to be told, so he quickly lifted the ban on speech. "You've caught on to something. Go ahead and talk."

"The fog... it's all the stuff he told me." Shawn intuited, his voice rough and on the verge of breaking.

"Stuff?" the other man prodded gently.

"Lies, okay? It's all the lies he told me."

"That's exactly what it is."

Shawn was utterly silent for three or four long minutes, his face and body language telegraphing the struggle he was engaged in and the next words he would speak.

"It stinks... so bad my eyes burn and-and I can't breathe. I hate it. I hate it and I want it gone. How do I do it? How do I make it go away, Carlton?" He demanded, but still not loudly enough to carry beyond the space immediately around the two of them. The use of his first name was a profound surprise to the more experienced sub, exposing for him just how close to the edge Shawn was. After a few seconds, though, he shook it off and continued, all too aware that he was the one responsible for easing his young friend over that edge and into a measure of the peace he so deserved.

"I hear how badly you want it. All that's left is to think it... then say it."

"Makes me sick, feeling like this. It sucks and I don't want it around me or touching me anymore. I want it to go the hell away." Shawn growled, shaking visibly.

"And is it?"

"Kind of. I can see now. The wall's nothing but bricks and dust... and no fog on the other side. I wanna be there..."

"Then go. Nothing holding you back."

A moment later, breathing as if he'd barely escaped drowning, Shawn collapsed forward into Lassiter's arms and clung fiercely. On the other side of the room, Buzz held Gus back with a light grip on his wrist.

"Something's wrong, I have to help him!"

"He's fine. It's third stage, is all."

"Third stage of what?"

"Go around and have a seat at the bar and I'll explain..."

-

TBC...


	14. Chapter 14

Buzzed 13/?

-

Gus slowly made his way to the seat Buzz had offered, still looking over his shoulder at Shawn.

"I told you, Shawn'll be fine. That's just the result of a process Carlton and I go through when his self-esteem deserts him a little and he starts spouting negative crud about himself. It's not easy to do, but he says it really helps him see the truth."

"Yeah, well, it hurt Shawn."

"No it didn't. That's not pain you're seeing, it's *relief* from pain." Buzz countered, placing a thick roast beef sandwich and a glass of milk in front of Gus. "C'mon. Turn back around here and eat. Carlton's been through the ritual a hundred times. He knows what to give Shawn... what to say to him."

Gus scowled heavily, but he complied with Buzz's request.

"Oh... oh my God. This is amazing! What did you put on it?"

"Garlic mustard, grilled onions and low-fat Monterey Jack."

"Low-fat's not supposed to taste this good."

"The secret is the other flavors. They make you forget."

"Yeah, but..."

"You need to start taking better care of yourself, Gus. While Shawn's learning to trust and rely on himself, he'll be depending on you."

"True." Gus conceded, taking another bite. "Anyway, this is too incredible to let go."

"All compliments gratefully accepted."

A few minutes later, Carlton led Shawn to the bar, a supporting arm around his waist. "Hey, guys. Ready for food, are we?"

Shawn merely nodded, but Buzz knew what he'd just endured and was more than willing to let him be. Sliding a large plate in front of the younger man, he announced the contents. "Deli ham on a bulkie with brown mustard, lettuce, onion and bread-and-butter pickles. Side of celery and carrot sticks and a cranberry juice and ginger ale combo to wash it down."

Shawn gazed at him in wonder.

"How did you... I mean, when did..."

"I pay attention, kiddo. And for the love of my life, roasted turkey, watercress and light mayo on pumpernickel, potato sticks on the side. Mineral water, not too much ice."

Carlton beamed.

"I should be terrified that he knows me so well, but for some reason I find it endearing." He commented dryly then took his first bite. "You having your usual as well?"

"Of course. Tuna salad on wheat, kettle chips and Diet Pepsi."

For a while all four men dedicated themselves to the food and gave conversation a pass, but eventually lunch drew to a close. Shawn pushed his plate back an inch or two and sighed.

"Thanks. I really needed that. All of it." he said quietly, glancing at Carlton surreptitiously.

"No problem. When you're ready for another session, I'll always be available."

"I hear a ten-foot high, unspoken but."

"Possible. I'll save it for tomorrow."

Shawn shook his head, grinned lightly and turned his gaze on Buzz.

"Anything else planned for me?"

"Not on my list."

"Am I allowed to take a walk outside?"

"Sure."

"Can I tag along?" Gus asked hesitantly. "If you wanna be alone, that's okay..."

"No. No, you can come. Just... no talking, alright? I've got a crapload of stuff to process. Talking... for once I think it might dump rubber cement in the gears."

"I'm good with silence."

The pair rose and moved off, Carlton trailing behind with the key to let them out. Once the door was closed, he drifted back to the bar and was embraced gently.

"You're amazing. Utterly, completely amazing." Buzz murmured in his ear. "You've never led the cleansing ritual before, but there was no hesitation... no doubt. You just opened your heart and offered him healing. I love you more every single day..."

"It's your love that made me confident enough to try."

"They should be gone for a while, don't you think?"

"Mmm. Could be."

"What do you say we go upstairs... and I'll show you just how proud I am?"

"You always have the best ideas..."

-

SBPD:

"But, Chief... Karen, you have to listen..."

"I have, Henry. You're wrong."

"I saw him!"

"And you admit that he bolted in the opposite direction. Even if it's not what Carlton told me they were going to do, that doesn't mean Shawn is in danger. I'd trust either Buzz or Carlton with my life in a heartbeat. They'd never hurt your son and from the way Shawn acted... I'd say he's fully on board and doesn't want you interfering. I can't say I blame him."

"Excuse me?"

"Not a chance. You assumed the worst and went over there guns blazing, throwing dire threats all over the place, when you had not the slightest clue what's really going on. I wouldn't have just refused to see you, I would've called the cops and had you drop-kicked into a cell until you were willing to shut up and listen."

"You're not serious. You know Shawn! Everything he does turns into trouble one way or another..."

Vick gazed at him intently, her expression dark and solemn.

"If a circus tiger lashes out at people, they don't necessarily blame the animal."

"I tried to show him the right way! The kid doesn't listen to anybody except Gus and the voices in his head!"

"Go home, Henry. I mean it, straight there and lock the door behind you. If I hear from anybody that you went back and caused trouble, you really *will* spend the night cooling your heels in a holding cell. Understood?"

"You wouldn't dare."

"Is that right? Push your luck and see how fast it runs out."

Henry attempted to glare her into submission, but when she didn't so much as flinch, he whipped around and left the station, mumbling to himself.

"I'll fix this, damn it. I'll drag the little brat home and lock him in the basement 'till he get his head on straight... however long it takes."

-

TEN MINUTES LATER: A WODDED TRAIL BEHIND THE BAR

As they crested a small hill, Shawn halted and lightly touched Gus' wrist so that the other man would stop as well. He then gestured to a fall of deadwood and they both carefully found seats.

"We can talk, now. Matter of fact... I think we really need to."

"Okay." Gus acceded quietly.

"What... did either one of them say you couldn't tell me what they've been saying to you?"

"Nah. If you wanna know, I guess I'm free and clear."

"I do. Have they... I mean, did they put an actual *name* to what they want you to do for me?"

"Yeah. Buzz said I'm supposed to be your Dom. Not that I really get what it means, yet though. Not totally. He talked about helping you with the training he has planned and being responsible for you. He made me admit stuff... everything I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, but didn't dare say out loud. Once I spoke up... I suddenly knew I had to at least try. I *will* try, Shawn. You deserve that."

"And the... kneeling thing?"

I just don't know. One of the things I love the most about you is your independent streak... the way you fight conformity tooth and nail. I've never had that in me. Makes me a little jealous, if you wanna know the truth."

Shawn took a deep breath, held it for several seconds and let it out slowly.

"I love it, too, but the flip-side's pretty damn ugly."

"The rejection, the contempt... I know. I've watched you have to deal with it."

"What else did he say?"

"That anybody who knows what they're lookin' at could see how bad you wanted somebody to pull you up short and take control... and he didn't want somebody on the dark an' dangerous end of all this Dom/sub stuff to get their hooks into you. He said he was gonna keep on bein' your Dom, to make sure you stayed safe... unless I gave him another option."

Shawn shuddered minutely and struggled not to turn his eyes down or walk away. What Buzz and Lassiter were holding out to him was, as Gus had said, the life Shawn had been running from full tilt for as long as he could remember. But had he only tried to escape because it was being forced on him and shoved down his throat every minute of every day? Was it only his father's callous, near-brutal methods that had sent Shawn screaming away from anything resembling discipline, restraint or authority?

"Introspection sucks, Gus." Shawn confessed plaintively. "I can't stand not knowing what I'll find if I look inside..."

"You remember what my dad used to tell us to repeat when he had to take splinters out of our fingers or clean up our cuts and scrapes?"

"Guts of steel, hurt to heal. I still say it."

"Me too."

"It still works."

"Yeah, it does."

"Gus..."

Unable to make anything more emerge from his tight throat, Shawn slid forward off the piled up wood and went to his knees in front of his best friend. Now it was Gus' turn to hold his breath.

-

TBC...


	15. Chapter 15

Buzzed 14/?

Gus gaped then turned his gaze away.

"Shawnie… this is…"

"Don't do that, Gus. I… just look at me. Please?"

"Damn it, Shawn…"

"Lassie said… he said I've never really looked in your eyes. That I can't because I'm scared of what I'd see."

"Which is what, exactly?"

"My dom. The one person I'm meant to submit to… belong to. I've gotta know if he's right. I have to try."

Tentatively, Gus brought his head back around and made eye contact. This time they both felt the shock, both felt winded.

"God… you really think we can do this, Shawn? I mean… I see something… I can almost touch the need that's pouring off you right now…"

"Same here. Jeez, they were both right. You *do* care that much."

"Yeah. But can you handle it? Once I get comfortable with what it is doms do… can you handle that coming from me?"

"You know what he did, Gus… how much of a bully he is. Just don't be that, don't treat me like crap… and I can deal."

"Never. Not once, I swear." Gus vowed, reaching out and stroking Shawn's cheek. Instantly, Shawn's head swam and he leaned into the gentle touch without really being aware of what he was doing. "Shawn? Hey, you alright?"

"Sorry. I just feel… weird. Good, but weird."

"We should get back inside."

"Yeah, definitely. My list of questions just expanded to about three miles long…"

ONE HOUR LATER: 5TH FLOOR OF AN OFFICE BUILDING:

DOWNTOWN S.B

"Please, stop apologizing, Henry. I've always said you could come to me if you ever really needed help with the boy. C'mon, sit down. Tell me what's got you so agitated."

Henry dropped into a chair in front of his friend's desk as the older man went around behind it and followed suit. Praying his performance skills equaled his son's, the former cop sighed, briefly buried his head in his hands and began to speak quietly.

"He's never been quite right, you know that, Doug. Out of control, unstable, refusing to pick a direction and stick with it…"

"You've told me many times. It's gotten worse?"

"He doesn't even make sense any more. He's running around telling everyone he meets that he's psychic and he has special powers… that he talks to spirits. I've tried to help, tried to cover for him. I thought it was just a game he was playing to make me mad, but I realize now that he thinks it's real. It's too much for me to deal with anymore. He needs help… a professional who can put him back in touch with reality."

"There are thousands of people on the streets of America who talk to invisible friends or claim to be Abraham Lincoln, Henry. We can't arbitrarily pull them all in and lock the door behind them. If Shawn had hurt himself or someone else, maybe…"

The images from a long ago day, just after his wife had abandoned him, flooded Henry's mind, accompanied by a twinge of guilt that he could even consider what he was considering. The pang faded almost instantly, however, in the face of what he believed might be happening to his son.

"He didn't mean it, I swear. He was just mad at me."

"Mean what? Are you saying he *has* harmed himself recently?"

"It was an argument. He put his fist through a couple windows, that's all…"

TBC….


	16. Chapter 16

Buzzed 16/?

UPSTAIRS:

The moment Shawn stepped into the bedroom, Gus was at his side, checking him over.

"Shawn? You okay?"

"Huh?"

Are you okay?" Gus repeated, speaking a bit more slowly.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Then how come you look like somebody smacked you with a Louisville slugger?"

"They kinda did. A mental one, anyway" Shawn replied distractedly. "Geez, sit down, willya? They wouldn't hurt me, you should know that by now."

Reluctantly, Gus perched on the edge of the bed. Shawn found himself starting to wander again, shook his head slightly and claimed the chair instead. "You think that's a… dom thing? Freaking out when we're not in the same room?"

Gus frowned.

"I don't know. Anyway, I did *not* freak out. I was worried… that's all."

"Whatever, dude. Look… downstairs, a few minutes ago… I, uh… I found out something… about myself."

"Yeah. Go on."

"It's not that easy, man. This thing I found out… it's pretty weird."

"Weirder than everything else that's happened this weekend?"

"Maybe. Buzz started talking about my dad and how, if he messed with me again, he'd be seeing a side of Buzz that Henry never knew existed. He was all strong and protective and… it flipped my sub switch. Just a little."

"Can't half flip a switch, Shawn. It either is… or it isn't." Gus corrected, sitting up a bit straighter.

"Okay, okay. It was on like Donkey Kong. That's why I came up here. To, uh… to ask you if you thought maybe you…"

"I won't know 'till it happens. I'm with Buzz as far as your dad is concerned, though. If he tries to push you around or intimidate you once we get home… well, he won't recognize me either."

"Seriously? You really mean that?"

"Every word. I may not be ready to take on all the stuff this dom thing is about, but the least I can do is make amends for all the times I didn't stand up for you. You won't ever have to face him alone again, Shawnie. I promise that."

Shawn shivered minutely and fought hard against the call of his heart. His mind had always served him so much better and he was loathe not to trust it now, but he found he simply had no strength to resist. Shaking even harder now, he rose, crossed the three or four feet that separated him from his best friend and fell to his knees in front of Gus once more, instinctively dropping his chin to his chest. Gus reached out and touched the other man's head, shocked that his hand was steady.

"I don't understand this, Gus. I can't… I tried not to, but…"

"It's okay. It's only been a couple days. There's no way we can get it all straight yet. Buzz and Carlton… they'll help make sense out of it for us."

"It's just so weird. In the back of my mind, this voice has always been there, you know? 'Listen to Gus. You won't get in trouble if you listen.' I couldn't stand one more person telling me what I *had* to do, *had* to become… so I drowned it all out with the jokes and imitations and ideas for more stupid stunts. I said I trusted you, but I don't think I ever really did… and I'm sorry." He finished, so softly that Gus almost couldn't understand him.

"No, buddy. Henry didn't show you what trust was. How were you supposed to know? No apologies for things that aren't your fault, okay?"

Shawn collapsed forward, trembling, breath hitching so hard it sounded painful and Gus held him tightly, both arms wrapped around his back. Eventually, Shawn calmed and was able to shift up and sit beside Gus on the bed.

"Better?"

"I guess. Some. Never tell anybody that just happened. Understood?"

"Tellin' your dom what to do? I don't think it works like that, Shawnie." Gus teased. The other glared, to which Gus' typical reaction was immediate retreat, in order to avoid tension between them. This time, however, he felt an unfamiliar urge rise up and demand that he follow its wishes, so instead of backing off, he stared Shawn down. To his shock, less than a minute later, his friend's gaze slid toward the floor and stayed there.

When Carlton entered the room a few moments later, Gus and Shawn both breathed quiet sighs of relief, knowing that the conversation about what had just occurred would likely be delayed.

The tense expression on the other sub's face made Gus concerned as well and he quickly spoke up.

"What is it, Carlton? He back again?"

"No, it's somebody else. Buzz wanted me to stay with you while he deals with it."

Shawn glanced at Gus, eyebrows raised, clearly conveying a question.

"Yeah, but I'm going with you."

Both men moved to the window and peered out. "You recognize him, Shawn?"

"Kind of. I've seen him with my… with Henry a few times, but I never met him. Henry's talked about him, too." Shawn recalled, abruptly shifting back into his earlier fury as he realized what his father had done in response to Buzz forcing him to leave. "He consults for the department. He's a psychiatrist!"

TBC…..


End file.
